Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist.
To ensure the safety our others, loudly shout that you are FEELING PRETTY WELL AND HAVING USUAL BOWEL MOVEMENTS!
Don’t have a health face mask? Just use that IT Halloween mask, people will love it, especially the children.
Exist solely on a diet of Carl’s Jr, a menu of items which even the coronavirus finds disgusting. A hamburger that includes an entire wheel of friend cheese? Yuck.
When self-pleasuring oneself, use hand sanitizer rather than traditional lube.
Have your friend Kevin, an officially ordained minister via the internet, perform an exorcism on you. Just to be on the safe side.
Only use Tinder to trade recipes and Netflix recommendations with other users.
Porta-potties to be used only as a possible location for hanging oneself once the virus really begins to take off.
Only attend Thanksgiving dinner if you’re currently infected, and hoping to spread the illness to elderly members of your family who would otherwise vote for Trump in the next election.
Move to California, most of which is usually on fire, which surely will burn up any hint of the virus? Right?
Disguise yourself as a coronavirus and try to blend in.
While having your anal bleaching touched up, ask the guy to just go ahead and do your entire body.
Go to church; not to pray or anything, but many of these old churches have some pretty great hiding spots. Plus free wine!!
Watch every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. This won’t help prevent the spread of coronavirus, but it will convince you that we’re getting exactly what we deserve.
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence