News Briefs

Breaking: Women Across the US Overreact to Losing a Basic Human Right

This morning the United States Supreme Court overturned the 1973 Roe versus Wade decision that guaranteed the right to abortion in America, prompting women across the country to wildly overreact to a decision just because it will drastically affect every single aspect of many of their lives forever.

“So now my state can literally decide whether I have to carry a pregnancy to term, inside my own body, whether I want to or not,” a hysterical woman claimed, explaining the grave implication of the ruling with complete accuracy.

“Just calm down ladies,” reassured President Joe Biden as he did absolutely nothing to help the millions of people who just lost bodily autonomy despite having ample time and many options for doing so. “You all reluctantly voted for me for a reason, and I’m going to continue to point my finger sternly and forcefully say that someone in power should do something about this.”

Currently, twenty-two states have “trigger laws” that immediately ban all or most abortion procedures upon Roe being overturned. Some, like Texas, do not even make exceptions for pregnancies caused by rape or incest. “I guess next time I am sexually assaulted I will just, like, hope I don’t also get pregnant and have my life completely ruined,“ an overly emotional college student whined.

But not everyone was reacting inappropriately. “Just because you lose one of the most fundamental human rights doesn’t mean you girls have to get your panties in a wad. It’s Friday, let’s just have a fun weekend!” a man, who will never face any of the life-and-death consequences of this ruling, calmly and reasonably reacted.

At press, a woman was seen irrationally hyperventilating just because her sister experiencing a devastating miscarriage might get arrested or even die now.