I’m Susan Collins and, By Golly, I’ve Been Duped Again!

On Friday, Justice Kavanaugh joined the majority in overturning the decision he told Ms. Collins he would protect. His seeming turnabout in the case on Friday prompted Ms. Collins and another senator, Joe Manchin III of West Virginia, who gave Justice Kavanaugh crucial votes for his narrow confirmation to vent their anger, saying they felt their trust had been abused. // “I feel misled,” Ms. Collins said in an interview, adding that the decision was in stark contrast to the assurances she had received privately from Justice Kavanaugh, who had made similar, if less exhaustive, pronouncements at his public hearing. – The New York Times 6/24/22

Well, call me a lobster, wrap my lobster claws in rubber bands, throw me in the lobster tank at Kroger, and tell me I’m not gonna be sold as a lobster dinner…I’ve been lied to again! Justice Kavanaugh, who specifically told me he wouldn’t overturn Roe v. Wade, just voted to overturn Roe v. Wade.


I don’t understand how this could happen. Sure, his debaucherous reputation, political ideology, and penchant for dishonesty indicated the possibility he would go back on his word. But he was under oath! You can’t just lie under oath! (Can you?)


Gosh darnit, I just feel like this kind of stuff keeps happening to me left and right!


First it was the guy at Verizon who promised me my bill wouldn’t increase if I signed a two-year contract. Yet, here I am paying more and more money, month after month, and I can still only complete calls in my home’s unfinished attic! There’s so many spiders.


Then it was the nice girl at Bloomingdale’s who insisted that purple was my color. However, when I took her advice, mean people on the internet started photoshopping Grimace onto the Senate Floor next to me.


And that woman on the phone – the one who sounded uncannily like Siri! She told me that my car’s extended warranty had expired. Now, I knew in my heart of hearts that I didn’t have a car, but she PROMISED ME – in a very unsettling electronic monotone – that my warranty had expired. What choice did I have but to believe her? And to give her my social security number to reinstate it. I’m not sure if I have legally regained ownership of my identity yet.


I was bamboozled once more when I received a very convincing email that I had won a free cruise, but when I clicked to claim my cruise, my bank account was wiped clean. Do you know how many stuffy galas I’ll have to speak at to replenish it???


How is anyone supposed to see through these intricate, deceptive, well-thought-out lies! I mean, when someone tells you it’s not you, it’s me, we all assume that it’s not us, right? If the poster for Suicide Squad calls the movie a triumph! then we expect the film to be nothing short of a triumph! Or when one of our friends texts us on my way! we have no reason to think she’s not actually on her way to meet us for dinner! And yet, lies, lies, and more lies! Three hours later we’re all sitting alone in front of a cold lobster as they prepare to close the restaurant.


I’m just so tired. Last night, while at drinks with the girls, Gladys seemed to be avoiding making eye contact with me, and when I confronted her she said, “I didn’t even see you there!” I believed her, but then Julie told me that Gladys was actually miffed with me for missing her niece’s graduation. Well, I don’t like her niece! But come to think of it, I’ve told her I think her niece is a “fine young lady” on more than one occasion. Am I, too, a liar??? And if it takes a liar to spot a liar, did I, perhaps, innately know that this Supreme Court ruling would most likely happen all along?


Who knows! I’m not one to dwell on the past. But this is the last time that I’m going to be duped by vicious lies. From this day forward I’m only listening to people who I really trust. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a very important meeting with an “Anna Delvey” to attend.