Truly Terrible Beach Tips

If you notice a fellow beach goer being attacked by a shark in the ocean , allow his / her family members to divvy up their belongings before going through them yourself.

Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.

Swimming too far out into the ocean is very dangerous; having said that, if you swim far enough to get into international waters, and you’re a woman, you’ll at least have all of your rights back. So there’s that.

Absolutely no glasses items allowed on the beach, no exceptions. However, if you show up mid-afternoon on Tuesday, Thursday or Saturday, lifeguard Edgar will be happy to give you a puff of his crack-pipe.

It’s perfectly fine to bring pets along with you to the beach. And just as an FYI, a three-legged dog will most certainly get you laid (although please don’t remove a leg from a four legged dog that you currently know and then bring it to the beach).

If a bus-full of QAnon cult members show up at the beach, please remember that they have as much right to be there as you. If you accidentally toss your frisbee near their area, they won’t give it back, though, just fyi.