Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom

QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.

Introducing: GODSHOT

This pandemic has been tough and we think you deserve a fun, shiny name to get behind. I mean, the word ‘vaccine’ is so 1798 and besides, it only protects against ONE virus. How lame is that? Our shot protects you against EVERYTHING. Even food poisoning! Bet you didn’t think that was possible, but it is. Trust us. We deliberately ate spoiled food to see if it would work, and we only vomited once and our ER stay was super short! If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will!

We, The Invading Aliens, Would Like To Thank Everyone Who Refused To Protect Themselves From Us

When your scientists discovered that each person we beam aboard our ships allows us to become stronger, the so-called “patriots” dug their heels in and vehemently declined protection. Despite the knowledge that being beamed aboard our ships could result in serious illness, severe probing, or death, they wanted nothing to do with the serum. Even when those we abducted were released back to earth and repented, urging anyone who was not yet protected to get the serum, they said, “I’d rather take my chances with the aliens than your newfangled potions.”

How to Trick the Unvaccinated into Getting the COVID Vaccine, According to Six Children's Party Magicians

Follow your nose down the trail of Axe Body Spray and boom, that’s your mark. Lead him to your magic disappearing box and have him confirm the box is solid with no secret escape panel. The purple smoke that billows out as he climbs in is actually a general anaesthetic. Spin the box around three times and open it to show he’s gone. He’ll wake up in a clinic waiting room with a 3pm vaccination appointment. Voilà!


How about now? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Shot Girl Summer: Sartorial Pairings For Your Upcoming Vaccine Appointment

Get The Hint?: So, you’re fully vaccinated (minus two weeks), and you’re looking to hook up. Nothing less subtle than an entirely clear suit! Wear your best lingerie underneath, or nothing at all. Even if you get kicked out of CVS or banned from the Javits Center for life, you’re sure to turn heads in this daring suit (and get some digits)!


Sore, get it? Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Chutes and Ladders: Vaccine Edition

To play: On your turn, spin the spinner and move your pawn, square by square, until you reach the final square, where you will receive your Covid-19 vaccine at your local fairgrounds. Throughout the game, try your best to jump the line by landing on ladders and avoiding pitfalls that will send you spiraling down chutes, relegating you to additional days, months, and maybe years of pandemic depression. 


Also first time wearing pants in a year. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

CARTOON: BC: Before Covid

Reach across the aisle? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Instagrim

Pics or it didn't happen. Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

As Heiress to the Salt Fortune, It Is Unacceptable That I, Veruca Salt, Have Not Yet Received a Golden Ticket

Look, I’m just a young, innocent girl who wants to finally be able to see Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Without a golden ticket, my life is empty and bleak. Yes, millions of other children might have their lives completely changed, or even saved, by a golden ticket, but I need it more than them so I can brag to my rich friends that I got it before they did. 

Jolene Sings “Vaccine” to the Tune of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” to Dolly Parton Herself!

I'm begging Dolly for just one inoculation / Vaccine, Vaccine, Vaccine, Vaccine / I’m sorry I used your man for copulation

For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)

29. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize public safety by refusing to wear a face mask) 30. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize a good time by refusing to watch Fox’s “The Masked Singer”) and more!