When we first decided to conquer Earth, in preparation for our invasion, we watched all of your braggadocio film reels and, honestly, you had us worried. You always depict yourselves uniting and fighting against a common cause, but the truth is you’re delightfully divisive. We, the invading aliens, would like to thank everyone who chose not to protect themselves from us.
Upon entering your atmosphere we used our beam technology to pluck specimens from your population willy-nilly. We had a good run there, our abductions running unabated. But then your scientists created an injectable serum that prevented our technology from beaming you up to our ships.
That was a sad day for our forces. We imagined the one you call Will Smith rising up and trumpeting, “Oh, hell no!” We assumed every humanoid would be eager to receive the serum, turning our tractor beams into harmless spotlights. Luckily for us, this was not the case.
Your silver screen depictions of earth defending itself neglected to include your proclivity for petty squabbling. We were surprised and delighted when large portions of your population refused the antidote to our abductions. They made it clear that they valued their individual “freedom” more than their own safety. No one was going to tell them how to prevent being beamed aboard our ships!
When your scientists discovered that each person we beam aboard our ships allows us to become stronger, the so-called “patriots” dug their heels in and vehemently declined protection. Despite the knowledge that being beamed aboard our ships could result in serious illness, severe probing, or death, they wanted nothing to do with the serum. Even when those we abducted were released back to earth and repented, urging anyone who was not yet protected to get the serum, they said, “I’d rather take my chances with the aliens than your newfangled potions.”
We have been tickled pink (literally, our exoskeletons turn pink when our laughter response is triggered) hearing the conspiracy theories that surround us and have been designed to discourage people from getting the serum. Our ships are special effects created by those in charge of your moving pictures and they are in cahoots with the liberal media who propagate their lies. Alien abductions aren’t much worse than your average ransom/terrorist/stalker abduction. We especially like the one about the cousin’s friend who became impotent, had swollen testes, and had his fiancé call off the wedding (thanks for that one, Nicki Minaj).
If earthlings had been able to unite, collectively protecting yourselves, we would have had no choice but to search for another planet to invade. Thanks to your distrust of each other, we have been able to seize over 250 million fleshlings. You gave us the opportunity to study you aboard our ships and discover all of your weaknesses. We’re sending gift baskets as a personal thank-you to those who refused the serum.
We were expecting America to be our toughest adversary, as all of your celluloid projections feature the United States as the one to rescue Earth and conquer the aliens. Boy oh boy, were we wrong there. If the U.S. hadn’t made things much, much easier for us, I’d almost say we were disappointed.
As we were readying phase one of our ground attack, honing our laser cannons in on the Whitehouse and preparing to recreate our favorite scene from Independence Day, we were gifted with a surprise of the most backasswards nature. Not even our ancient prophet, Zorg-Bonker, had foreseen this fortuitous event: a group of renegade Americans stormed Capitol Hill. We could barely believe our sensory orbs. Our warriors had been sharpening their mandibles and preparing to do this very same thing! Thanks for rallying the troops for us, Donald Trump.
After consideration, we’ve decided to put our invasion on hold. It turns out we don’t need to overrun your planet for our enjoyment. Left to your own devices, you’ll fight amongst yourselves and your quarrels provide all the amusement we need. Now it’s time for us to sit back, put our appendages up, and enjoy the show.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Jason Garramone is a writer and all-around comedian. He enjoys laughing and making others laugh as well.