For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)

As limited initial doses of the Pfizer COVID-19 begin to be distributed, the CDC has issued guidelines that state governments prioritize certain populations to receive inoculation before others. The following is the official list of groups ranked from highest to lowest priority.


  1. Health care workers with direct contact to COVID-19 patients

  2. Elderly people living in nursing homes and long term care facilities

  3. The immunocompromised

  4. Room’s Jacob Tremblay

  5. The immuno-misunderstood

  6. Grocery store employees (Trader Joe’s)

  7. Grocery store employees (all others)

  8. Jean Toscano of Green Bay, WI. (Congrats! You won the Pzifer’s Ultimate Vaccine Sweepstakes!™ )

  9. People who play teachers on TV

  10. Teachers

  11. Pharmaceutical and medical supply staff

  12. Food processing workers

  13. The breathtaking Lupita Nyongo

  14. Lovable orphans

  15. Daddies (fathers)

  16. Daddies (rich older gay men)

  17. Puppeteers and other artists who deal in felt

  18. Healthy adults

  19. Disney adults

  20. Robots that have learned to feel what humans call “love”

  21. Wallpaper stains that look like celebrities

  22. Swamp People (People of the Swamp)

  23. Those who work in indoor waterparks

  24. Those who work in outdoor waterparks

  25. Non-Essential workers (up-close magicians, dog psychics, podcasters)

  26. Unlovable orphans

  27. Pets (non-reptile)

  28. Community theater actors

  29. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize public safety by refusing to wear a face mask)

  30. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize a good time by refusing to watch Fox’s “The Masked Singer”)

  31. Scientists who worked on the Moderna vaccine (You snooze, you lose)