For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)

As limited initial doses of the Pfizer COVID-19 begin to be distributed, the CDC has issued guidelines that state governments prioritize certain populations to receive inoculation before others. The following is the official list of groups ranked from highest to lowest priority.

1. Health care workers with direct contact to COVID-19 patients

2. Elderly people living in nursing homes and long term care facilities

3. The immunocompromised

4. Room’s Jacob Tremblay

5. The immuno-misunderstood

6. Grocery store employees (Trader Joe’s)

7. Grocery store employees (all others)

8. Jean Toscano of Green Bay, WI. (Congrats! You won the Pzifer’s Ultimate Vaccine Sweepstakes!™ )

9. People who play teachers on TV

10. Teachers

11. Pharmaceutical and medical supply staff

12. Food processing workers

13. The breathtaking Lupita Nyongo

14. Lovable orphans

15. Daddies (fathers)

16. Daddies (rich older gay men)

17. Puppeteers and other artists who deal in felt

18. Healthy adults

19. Disney adults

20. Robots that have learned to feel what humans call “love”

21. Wallpaper stains that look like celebrities

22. Swamp People (People of the Swamp)

23. Those who work in indoor waterparks

24. Those who work in outdoor waterparks

25. Non-Essential workers (up-close magicians, dog psychics, podcasters)

26. Unlovable orphans

27. Pets (non-reptile)

28. Community theater actors

29. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize public safety by refusing to wear a face mask)

30. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize a good time by refusing to watch Fox’s “The Masked Singer”)

31. Scientists who worked on the Moderna vaccine (You snooze, you lose)

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Eli Kaplan

Eli Kaplan is a Junior at Brown University. He was briefly cyberbullied on Tiktok, so you can follow him on Twitter @elika_plan

• For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)