Metricksto the Magnificent
“A sly card trick is all you need. Find the guy in the Don’t Tread on Me shirt who has been talking loudly throughout your performance. Have him pick a card from your deck, show it to the crowd, yada yada yada. Pull out your best shuffling and cutting techniques, then hold up one card where only he can see it and ask, ‘Is this your card?’ The crowd will assume his shocked expression is because of your deft sleight of hand, but only he can see where you’ve written on the card GET THE VACCINE IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR WIFE AGAIN. He doesn’t know you’re full of shit, but it’ll give him something to think about on the way home.”
Crazy Cousin Clint
“One word: juggling. Start simple—handkerchiefs, foam balls, marbles—then work your way up to the good stuff. Ask for a volunteer from the audience. If an adult pushes children out of the way to be part of the show, that’s your unvaccinated person. Tell them to blindfold you and sit down on the stage as you juggle two bowling balls and a chainsaw just over their head. While the audience is oohing and awing, tell the volunteer if they don’t agree to get vaccinated, you’ll let the chainsaw drop on their skull in front of all these kids. Give them a few close calls so they know you aren’t bluffing.”
Zanzibar McGillicuddy, the Leaping Leprechaun
“Take a snow white dove and carefully nestle it into an oversized pot o’ gold. After saying some fake Irish blarney jargon, tell the crowd the bird has transformed into The Enchanted Dove of Rathcroghan, all gold and shiny. Ask for a volunteer to retrieve the golden dove from the pot, but say they have to be unvaccinated or the trick won’t work (no one will question this—trust me). When that punk goes elbow-deep into the pot, give him a big smile as the dove bites his hand. Tell him ‘This dove is rabid and it just gave you rabies. The antidote is in one of the three COVID vaccines, so you’ll have to get them all if you don’t want to die a horrendous death.’”
Great Granny Gladys
“If you shuffle around like you’re old and feeble, it’s easy to pull one over on just about anybody. Here’s what you do to encourage those vaccine-hesitant folks: pull a rabbit out of a hat. Parade the bunny around, letting the kids pet it. Walk up to the one adult at the party who isn’t vaccinated—you can usually spot him because he’s wearing a tank top and plastic flip flops regardless of the weather—and get him to put his hands out so he can pet the bunny. Hold his hands between yours and pet the bunny together while you say ‘I can make it look like you’re strangling this rabbit. I’ll scream and real tears will shoot out of my eyes like Charlie Brown on the day Snoopy died. Get the goddamn vaccine, you worthless fucking shit sack.’ You’re a professional; little fluffy Jum Jum is in no danger, but Mr. I’ll-Wait-For-Herd-Immunity doesn’t know that.”
Beezbo, the Bar Mitzvah Buffoon
Follow your nose down the trail of Axe Body Spray and boom, that’s your mark. Lead him to your magic disappearing box and have him confirm the box is solid with no secret escape panel. The purple smoke that billows out as he climbs in is actually a general anaesthetic. Spin the box around three times and open it to show he’s gone. He’ll wake up in a clinic waiting room with a 3pm vaccination appointment. Voilà!
Happy Chappy Charlie
“I spread love and happiness everywhere I go. Yay! I love to unicycle around parties throwing rainbow confetti and shooting party poppers to make everyone warm and fuzzy inside. To help kindly persuade the unvaccinated, I would dart through the crowd on my Uni-Silly-Cycle and ask for a show of hands: ‘Who’s happy?’ Yay! ‘Who only wants good things to happen all the time?’ Yay! ‘Who wants to see their loved ones live their fullest lives?’ Yay! ‘Who’s vaccinated?’ The person who doesn’t raise their hand for that one gets a drive-by needle in the arm. They won’t see it coming—just like all the guys I had to shiv on the prison yard when I was doing 3 to 5 for aggravated assault. Vaccination problem solved. Yay!
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Andy Spain is a video editor and motion graphics designer living in Durham, NC with his wife and 4 kids. Or is it 5? His humor writing has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Robot Butt, and Little Old Lady. Find him on Twitter @citizenspain