You make my life more full, even though you never refill the Brita pitcher, Valentine.
Thanks for leaving a tiny little bit of milk in the carton and putting it back in the fridge, Valentine.
Thanks for not eating all of my cereal, Valentine.
You’re sort of my friend, Valentine!
I don’t mind feeding her or cleaning out her litter box even though she’s technically your cat, Valentine.
If your girlfriend keeps spending the night, she’s going to have to pay rent, Valentine.
I have no idea what you do for a living, Valentine.
Are these your dirty socks, Valentine?
A true Valentine always does their dishes, just saying.
I can always count on you to pay your rent on time most of the time, Valentine.
You’re always so pleasant during the five minutes each day you come out of your locked room, Valentine.
Hey Valentine, I appreciate how you don’t steal my leftovers out of the fridge every time I have them.
You sure watch a lot of Korean soap operas on my Netflix account, Valentine.
Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December.
Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine.
Please don’t use my toothbrush “by mistake,” Valentine.
Thanks for wearing pants in common areas, Valentine.
Do you ever actually leave the apartment, Valentine?
- About the Author
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Brian Boone is a contributor to Funny or Die, Someecards, Splitsider, The Chive, and Looper, and his work has appeared on McSweeney’s, StarWipe, and many other fine humor and pop culture destinations. He’s the author of several delightful books, wrote a musical about pirates, and came in third on Jeopardy! once. He will clog your Twitter timeline with dad jokes.