Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine’s Day Lovesick Edition

Dear Doctor Kit… Nice to meet you! So, here’s the problem: I’ve been dating this amazing, gorgeous woman for several months now. Things had been going great, or so I thought, until I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I’m sure that you know this one… yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs…. my heart. Even though some would consider her actions to be something of a deal breaker, I just can’t seem to get her out of my head! Should I attempt a reconciliation, or nip things in the bud while I still have enough of my organs to continue breathing?

Dialysis In Seattle

Dear Dialysis… Ah, isn’t love mysterious? Mysterious and elusive, like your girlfriend there. Here’s your biggest problem: You’re thinking with your head, and not your heart. In matters of romance, that simply will not do! I say give love a chance; this object of your affection owes you an explanation, and at least half of what she earned from selling your kidney.

Dear Doctor Kit… I’m writing this missive to you from Glennville County Prison; not a very romantic place, I can tell you (well, not to my taste, at least). My latest stay here is due to a series of events that found me, discouraged by yet another lovelorn mishap, breaking into a series of local homes and stapling small cloth wings to the shoulder blades of several young infants. To make them appear to be a Cupid, do you see? To continue the spread of love, you see? Well, it made sense to me at the time. Things get fuzzy and confusing in my head sometimes. Can you help me get out of here somehow? Maybe a letter-writing campaign, or something involving explosives?


Hey, buck up Cupid-o! I feel like your heart is in the right place, even if that place is with the rest of you in prison. I admire your gumption, so maybe a bit of advice, just in case you ever get out: your plan was right on, but your methods were a bit lacking. Rather than stapling the wings, instead sew them onto the shoulder blades of the infants. After applying an appropriate amount of anesthesia, of course!! Love can be painful, but there should be limits.

Dear Doctor Kit… I’m at the end of my rope, and really need your assistance! (don’t misunderstand, this situation doesn’t have anything to do with erotic asphyxiation) For the last several months, whenever I attempt to get romantic with my wife, she sneaks a couple of roofies into my pudding snack so I pass out and she avoids coitus. She sometimes even invites her friends over to join her in watching a movie or playing a round or two of cards! This behavior is deplorable, and I just don’t know how much longer I can take this!

The Roof(ie) Is In The Pudding

Dear Roofied… I’m a big fan of romance, so this sort of thing naturally upsets me. The obvious answer is to simply not eat the pudding, but that’s not a realistic solution. Very few are able to resist the beckoning allure of pudding, and I wouldn’t expect this of you, or of anyone. My advice is this: Once you’ve eaten the delicious pudding, run quickly to the bathroom and gag yourself, which will allow you to vomit up the contents of your stomach. Not only will keep you roofie-free, it will help maintain a more attractive body weight!

Dear Doctor Kitty…   I have a very robust dating life, but no man, no matter how handsome or wonderful, can ever compare to the love that I feel for my cats.    I even intentionally caught worms from my cats, so that I can join them in dragging-ass on the living room carpet, something that has become a social / bonding experience for the seventeen of us.    Any man who is serious about dating me is going to, at some point, have to make the decision to contact worms from my cats as well, so that he can join us in our daily drag-sessions.    I’m having trouble finding a man who doesn’t run from the room screaming and crying hysterically, however.    Can you offer any helpful advice?
What A Drag!
Dear Dragster…  Hrmph.   Well, these men don’t appear to be very manly, do they?    Until the world catches up with your evolved point of view, I suggest a dating app used by attractive people with worms.   “Date Bait” seems to be the most popular.    Best of luck!