Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles

There are those who walk amongst us, their tear-swollen eyes unseen or ignored by a world transfixed by the swirling images on their iPhones. These damned souls shake their fists at an uncaring sky and scream at the top of their lungs….


Cornelius, 54

Public Figure

🗺hiding in your linen closet

Celebrating a recent personal victory (“Probably not the Smitheville Strangler” according to the local paper, thank you very much!), and looking to share my good fortune with a special someone. Although I may still be a “person of interest” with the local authorities, the only person I’m interested in spending time with is you!!


Noelle, 27
Antique kazoo restoration expert

🗺18 feet away

I look at people the same way I look at the antique kazoos that are my passion; what can I do to further bring out the hidden light and magic within this beautiful object? And when I place my lips on it, will it produce a series of odd, high-pitched squeaks? If you’re that person, begin running haphazardly in the direction of the sun and I’ll find you.

Larry, 38
Nap enthusiast

🗺59 feet away… no, 56… 48… 37… 23….

My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats, even though I’m strictly vegan. Look, I’m admittedly no Jon Hamm (get it?), but if you’re desperate enough to have read this far, please give me a swipe!

Glorndyl-ZX4, KLM-2nd Gen Life Cycle Unit
Timeline scavenger

🗺Everywhere, due to time and space limitations being irrelevant.

Though originally sent to this savage timeline in order to pick the meat from it’s fragile bones, I have actually found myself to be lonely. A primitive and laughable concept, to be certain, but nonetheless intriguing. I’d love to get together in order to “Netflix and chill”, although please don’t actually allow my core to become too cool, as I will then shut down and immediately return to my timeline of origin.