Thanks for Buying Our Toothbrush. We Can’t Believe You Thought It Would Clean Your Teeth

“People have a very high degree of trust in ChatGPT, which is interesting, because AI hallucinates. It should be the tech that you don’t trust that much.” – OpenAI CEO Sam Altman

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We’ve spent millions marketing our toothbrush as a revolutionary dental breakthrough, promising it will prevent cavities, remove the need for flossing (which you weren’t doing anyway), and whiten your teeth. And honestly, we’re genuinely flabbergasted that you thought it was going to work.

Yes, our toothbrush technically has bristles. Yes, it vibrates. And yes, it syncs to an app. But at no point did we promise that it would remove plaque in a medically recommended way. If you assumed that, that’s kind of on you.

Let’s be clear: this toothbrush is a tool – not a solution. It’s meant to support your oral care journey, not replace old fashioned brushing and flossing. That our toothbrush sometimes leaves your mouth feeling actively dirtier is part of the carefully crafted user-experience. It’s learning. From you. And also hallucinating.

Some users haven’t seen their dentists in years, citing our toothbrush’s ability to “diagnose gingivitis through vibes” and “fix cavities with self-confidence.” To be clear, we never advised that. We merely released a toothbrush with marketing copy that said: “Finally, a smarter, better dentist in your hand.” Obviously, that was metaphorical. 

Toothbrush traditionalists claim our products use 10x the energy of a normal electric toothbrush. They said things like “other toothbrushes are more effective and don’t destroy the planet,” and to that we say, “but this one comes with an app.”

We’re aware that some users have mistaken our toothbrush for a romantic partner. Honestly, it’s hard to predict how people will respond to a product specifically designed to delude them. We’ve always advised users to use the toothbrush solely in their mouths. We didn’t program romance. We just created a “sexy Australian man” model that doubles as a vibrator. Go figure.

There’s also been criticism that our toothbrush was trained exclusively on the teeth of high-earning white men. That’s true. There were simply more AI-generated images of their mouths than of women, children, or anyone else. If you fall outside that demographic – say, you bought one of our child-sized brushes that damaged your baby teeth so badly your adult teeth now refuse to grow in, or the women’s model that played spa music while gently eroding enamel – our lawyers say we cannot be held responsible for that.

We hope this clears up any confusion. While our product may look like a toothbrush and cost significantly more than one, it’s not meant to replace actual toothbrushes. Doing so may result in excessive bleeding, fast-developing cavities, or molars retreating deep into your jaw.

Instead, think of it as an additional, occasionally damaging tool – one that consumes more energy, actively creates a habitat for cavities to form, and remains impressively unreliable at doing the one thing it was designed for.

Nothing is more important to us than our customers’ teeth. That’s why we strongly encourage you to use our toothbrush as little as possible. That said, have you considered upgrading to our new $29.99/month model? It offers real-time cavity predictions and has never been conclusively linked to periodontitis.