Anyone who gets roped into going to a city rooftop bar must go into the quest fully equipped to fight the bosses that they’ll face on their ascent. This experiential guide aims to help you get through this dreaded social event as soon as possible.
1. Jade the Hostess
Jade The Hostess will be determined to make your life miserable the second you arrive at “Pink Social at The Loft” or another rooftop establishment with some combination of those words. Because I was attending a friend-of-a-friend-who-I’ve-only-met-once’s birthday party, I already went in with a significantly low energy bar. Beware that Jade prays on anyone with 5+ anxiety points. You’ll need to carry 5mg of Xanax in your inventory and have the reservation name memorized so she doesn’t smell your fear. Though she let me take the next steps into the red carpet-lined dark abyss, don’t be like me who lost 72 self-worth points. Be careful: when your self-worth hits 0, it’s game over.
2. The Bag Inspector
The Bag Inspector will make you question if you’re accidentally smuggling drugs in your bag. When I got to this level, he acted as if my insulin pen was a liquid explosive. This move made my fear-of-death points skyrocket. Luckily, I convinced him that the cost of one vial was almost as much as what the bill here would be. You can always pull out the “I’ll sue if you take my medication” card to get through faster. Before you venture to The Bag Inspector’s lair, be sure that you’ve emptied out your inventory and have a lot of “polite and innocent” energy. If you follow this, you’ll proceed—though not unscathed.
3. The Coat Man
When I made it up the glass stairs and saw The Coat Man glaring at my attire, I thought that I had accidentally peed myself. I soon realized that his look of disgust aimed at my lower half was because I had dared to wear jeans to this outing. To get past him, you’ll need 50+ aesthetic points for a swift mini-quest. Arrive in your best non-wrinkled semi-casual dress pants, a dress, or a button-up Banana Republic shirt. Do not forget to hide any paper birthday bags back into your inventory. After he saw mine, he only showed mercy when I showed him the classy pink Papyrus-bought ribbon on it so it wouldn’t be an aesthetic repellant to other customers. Though I figured that Tiffany already had a mini-scented candle, I knew that I wouldn’t finish the game if I showed up empty-handed.
4. Bag Inspector Junior
Bag Inspector Junior was much like the first Bag Inspector, except he swung his fire sword of death at me. Press X and Y to dodge and run.
5. The Elevator Warden
The next and perhaps most intimidating Boss, The Elevator Warden, kept his hands clasped together and refused to acknowledge my existence. This increased my imposter syndrome points. My vision yielded powerless in the dark, so I assumed that he was guarding the elevator. After one minute of confusion as to why he wouldn’t move, he said that the elevator was to the left as if it wasn’t painted the same color as the wall that it was smacked against. This level is unique, for it is a test of both patience and confidence.
6. The Keeper of the List
The Keeper of the List will not give you the chirpy greeting that you’ve become accustomed to on your side quests, like when you got a BLT at your local deli that morning. She will scan the leather-bound list with her manicured finger that could claw your eyes out if you don’t get past her quick. Go in with full hydration points, or the sweat that she’ll make drip down your forehead will cause it to be a game over.
6. The Apex of Your Shame
Warning: not many players survive this level. As soon as I saw the round-bulb string lights and a photo-op flower arch that overlooked the Chrysler Building, I felt more unprepared than I did when fighting the prior bosses. Even the party guests who I had naively presumed were adjacent to my social circle donned tight black dresses, zip-up vests, and fur jackets. When you see a cocktail with a rose in it, do not unlock the memory of you eating leftover pizza out of your garbage last night. Though your self-esteem points have already plummeted from your journey, you can replenish them with three shots of vodka.
Final pro-tip: avoid the NPC waitress who will ask if you’re lost, or else you’ll surely not make it through your final quest of the hour-and-a-half long commute home. Be prepared: that one has 10 bosses.
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Erin McLaughlin is a New York City based author, humor writer, editor, and stand-up comedian. She is the Co-Founder of the satirical crowdfunding website, JumpKick. She has been published in The Hard Times, Points In Case, and various literary anthologies. Her first novel, The Lobster Heist is available now.