What I Imagine Happens When Your Tweet Goes Viral

You can quit your job the absolute second you go viral

You now have reserved parking spots — everywhere

Free pastrami sandwiches for life

You no longer have to pay taxes

The popular restaurant down the street calls and says “Hey, we don’t usually take reservations, but we have a table ready for you.”

Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you

People stop you at the airport for autographs (mostly because they mistake you for another celebrity but that does not matter)

You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you

Your parents call and say it wasn’t a mistake majoring in burrito anatomy and they’re sorry for ever doubting you

You get offered to be a spokesperson for a mediocre national sub franchise

Your high school calls back from 1995 and makes you prom queen

You get an honorary degree from every university in the U.S.

Your tweet will be carved as your headstone epithet…eventually

 You get chocolate-dipped fruit bouquets from fans all over the world

You can add your tweet on your resume, and it will be the only thing you need

You can drive over the speed limit, get pulled over, and the cop will give you the option of taking a selfie with them or calling their kids to say hello instead of receiving a speeding ticket

Your flight reservation automatically gets bumped to a more leg room seat assignment

People let you cut in line at the grocery store

You get live appearances on all the nightly talk shows…at the same time!

You get knighted by the Queen of England

You get asked to light the Olympic flame

People start naming babies after you

Sacred scriptures are rewritten to include your tweet

You get your own clothing line at Sears