What I Imagine Happens When Your Tweet Goes Viral

You can quit your job the absolute second you go viral

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You now have reserved parking spots — everywhere

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Free pastrami sandwiches for life

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You no longer have to pay taxes

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The popular restaurant down the street calls and says “Hey, we don’t usually take reservations, but we have a table ready for you.”

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Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you

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People stop you at the airport for autographs (mostly because they mistake you for another celebrity but that does not matter)

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You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you

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Your parents call and say it wasn’t a mistake majoring in burrito anatomy and they’re sorry for ever doubting you

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You get offered to be a spokesperson for a mediocre national sub franchise

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Your high school calls back from 1995 and makes you prom queen

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You get an honorary degree from every university in the U.S.

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Your tweet will be carved as your headstone epithet…eventually

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 You get chocolate-dipped fruit bouquets from fans all over the world

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You can add your tweet on your resume, and it will be the only thing you need

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You can drive over the speed limit, get pulled over, and the cop will give you the option of taking a selfie with them or calling their kids to say hello instead of receiving a speeding ticket

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Your flight reservation automatically gets bumped to a more leg room seat assignment

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People let you cut in line at the grocery store

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You get live appearances on all the nightly talk shows…at the same time!

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You get knighted by the Queen of England

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You get asked to light the Olympic flame

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People start naming babies after you

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Sacred scriptures are rewritten to include your tweet

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You get your own clothing line at Sears

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