The Art of the Memoir by Donald J. Trump
Most former presidents take forever to write their memoirs, but I’m the author of like thirty or forty books. Maybe more. Let’s call it 50 books. It’s uncountable, I’ve written so many books. Obama has written maybe three books. I right the books so fast I can’t even remember them all. I just call them all The Art of the Deal. I wrote all this book myself, even the cover blurb from Lindsey Graham:
“I only wish the author liked and respected me as much as I like and respect this book.”
Do you like the font? It’s Failing Times New Roman. I will win the Nobel Prize for books.
- Dealing: When Life Hands You Lemonade.
In 2016 I became president of the United States of America. It was a very bad day that ruined the rest of my life. I did get to meet Mike Pence. I hate Mike Pence.
2. Moving Into the Dumpy White House
The White House was so bad that Melania didn’t even want to move in. She wanted to stay in Manhattan, but when I visited her, she’d be off to Bedminster or Mar-A-Lago. I could barely get her to D.C. to see all the hundreds of millions of Americans gather in the streets to celebrate my inauguration.
- Growing Up
My Dad was a Nazi, and if you’d asked me when I was a boy if that would help me relate to people, I’d have said “no.” But, as it turns out, “yes.”
- The Unbreakable Kimmie Jong
In other countries, leaders are loved by their subjects and their wives. I think that President of North Korea would be a great job. I’ve even suggested it!
- Florida is a Poor Substitute for North Korea
When you’re President, you can move into your own golf and country club and then the Secret Service has to follow you and you can charge them rent. Good times.
- I Hate New York
New York is a cesspool where violent criminals wander the streets, preying on little old ladies. It was very nice in the 1980s and, I hear, the 1880s.
7. Attorney Client Privilege
I don’t understand why my garbage lawyer who is a loser with an ugly wife became disloyal to me. Lindsey Graham doesn’t know, either.
8. The Apprentice
“I guess now you’re the Apprentice,” said Mike Pence, meaning that I had never been president before. I hate Mike Pence. I miss being on The Apprentice.
- Paris Hilton
Always have a back-up plan! She’s my back-up plan.
- Exonerated
The Democrats impeached me but I won, so I’m not sure how I’m not still president. They’re the ones who should be out of office.
- The China Virus
I thought it was a computer thing and that I’d be fine because I have an iPhone.
- Sleepy, Creepy, Joey Joe
Some people complained that the election was two old white men yelling at each other, but that’s television.
- Reflections of a Lame Duck
I spent the lame duck months hoping that an asteroid would hurtle toward the Earth and the nation would look to me for salvation but I would just fly off into space with Elon Musk.
- Comeback Kid!
If you bought this book, thank you for my comeback.
- How Being President Changed Me
You’d think being president would have changed me very deeply, but it was the opposite.
- About the Author
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Michael Maiello is a playwright, fiction author, and comedy writer with words in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Splitsider and Robot Butt. Find him on Twitter @MichaelMaiello
