Due to recent campus events and world climate, Stanwyck College Alumni Weekend will look slightly different this year. But have no fear; we plan on having a robust schedule of events that will allow you to connect and reminisce with your old classmates.

This will include a guided tour of our current protest encampments by current (and past) students and, according to some media outlets, professional organizers. We encourage you to stop and share your Stanwyck College experiences and how you DIDN’T  protest, occupy administrative buildings, or purposely keep the college in a negative news cycle.

Take a moonlight helicopter ride… to Washington, D.C! This is an excellent opportunity to see our campus from above and speak to a congressional panel on behalf of the college. It is also a terrific networking opportunity to hobnob with the political elite and defend the college against all allegations of encouraging and using a weaponized police force to disperse a student’s peaceful political demonstration. You could even deny that the college is both Anti-Semitic and Anti-Muslim. Talking points and light snacks are provided!

Relive your dorm days by bunking up with your old college roommate or someone you just met! We ask that you turn lights on in various rooms, play music, and maybe even throw a kegger! Just make it look like students are back in the dorms, drawing attention away from the student occupation in Jefferson Quad.

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Share a delicious breakfast of various muffins, coffee, and teas. Meet up with current student’s parents.  Feel free to tell the parents that the college is doing its best to ensure their children get the best education possible, and there is no reason to ask for a refund, demand a refund, or threaten to sue because classes were canceled for more than half the semester!

If you missed Friday’s walking tour, here is your opportunity to see what changes we have made to the campus and our future vision. Also, if you could PLEASE ask the protesters to leave and clean up the encampment, that would be a huge solid. Upon request, we can provide you with riot gear and tear gas.

…And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward. Our students must have a voice! And that is where our alumni come in! We are cool with whatever you decide, just as long as you say it was all your idea!

Noon         

Box lunches are available, and vegetarian options will be provided. It is “Grab ‘N Go,” as in “Grab your food and go quickly”  through the growing protest tents and tarps. Settle in and relax in the nearby bushes to eat lunch. The administration has been doing this all semester.

Come alone or sign up as a team. This is one of the last opportunities for fun and connecting with other alumni. The paintball game will spill out into the student protest encampment, and we hope this gives you a nonviolent (but effective) way of clearing out the protestors. The winning team that paintballs the most tents gets a free Stanwyck Athletic t-shirt. And, of course, BRAGGING RIGHTS!

4:30 p.m.    

Decide Whether Graduation Is Canceled (Campus Center, Atrium)

We will break into breakout groups to decide whether to hold graduation or secretly mail out diplomas. It should be fun to kick back, relax, and find legitimate reasons not to have a giant ceremony with thousands of attendees that could quickly go off the rails and become a popular TikTok.

7:00 p.m. 

A four-course meal served in our newly built elegant Wellness and Events Center. Say goodbye to old friends and the new ones you made. Also, you will have time for photo ops and to explain to CNN reporters why we are closing the school and claiming bankruptcy to avoid any responsibility. You decide what reason to give because we are too cowardly to handle any of this bullshit.