The New Astrology: You Are A Combination of Two of These Five Pillars

The five personality pillars are Clean-Cut, Alternative, Risky, Grunge, and Whimsy. Every person you’ve ever met is a combination of two, including you. Detailed descriptions of each pillar are below:

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Clean-Cut 

You have your shit together. This may be in the form of having a steady job, a tidy apartment, an Excel-sheet budget, or likely all three of these things. This pillar is often associated with the “Type A” personality*. You are particular about things, very organized, and, for lack of knowing how to word this better, have a specific way of making sure shit works out the way you want it to. You may be especially skilled at driving, goal-setting, and sending follow-up emails. *If you have a problem with being labeled as Type A and think there is a better way to describe it, you are probably Clean-Cut.

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Alternative (Alt) 

You have objectively good style and taste, exhibited perhaps by the having of “cool tattoos,” though this is not required. You pursue some form of art as your main source of income. Your friends may look to you for interior design, wardrobe, or restaurant advice. These artistic strengths may give way to self-importance, pretentiousness, or superiority (come on, all of these pillars have negatives so just sit back and accept it as you sip from your handmade speckled ceramic mug). Not everyone will approve of your lifestyle choices, but they can’t deny that you are successful in your lane.

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Risky 

You are impulsive and often lucky. You enjoy extreme activities that fulfill your desire to face challenge and even danger, including but not limited to rock climbing, skiing, gambling, traveling abroad, performing live, etc. You may be more prone to overindulgence or addictive behaviors, with the possibility of leaning towards the “all or nothing” mentality. You are outgoing; a master of making new friends, but not so much at deciding which are the right ones to keep. Someone with the Risky pillar is likely to do things like park in the red and hope they don’t get a ticket, move to a new city with no job and figure it out as they go, or answer their ex’s 2am texts.

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Grunge 

You do things your own way on your own time, only putting on pants when it is absolutely necessary. This pillar doesn’t exactly represent lack of cleanliness or hygiene, but it doesn’t not. You just don’t adhere to every etiquette guideline out there, and your little quirks and faux pas amuse your closest people. There is an overarching vibe of low-maintenance, rebellion, and

zero-fucks that rules your decision making. You are skilled at eating anywhere (your car, in bed, during Zoom therapy, etc.) and bailing on parties that have been in your calendar for three months. You save your energy for the people and things that bring you the most joy, making you a very loyal friend to those worthy enough to get you up off your favorite little indent on the L-shaped couch. Those who are truly at peace in their Grungeness will claim this pillar confidently while others take a little more soul-searching to admit it.

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Whimsy 

You make others laugh. You lead with silliness and light-heartedness not only with your close circle, but in a room you just entered. This pillar is more than just having a good sense of humor and laughing at the right times; it is the ability to be funny and the intention to lighten the mood. You may be clumsy, lack a sense of style, or be considered “uncool” to others who take themselves more seriously. For example, an Alt person will turn their nose up at a Whimsy person’s tattoo more times than not. (As a rule of thumb, Whimsy people should avoid getting tattoos before the age of 32 unless they want a pizza slice or cartoon ghost on their forearm forever… which they probably do, so I guess go for it.) You may find yourself in sticky or awkward situations, but you can almost always charm your way out of them.

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The best way to figure out which combination you are is to discuss these pillars with your closest friends at your next dinner party. For now, here are some examples to help you get the hang of assigning pillars: 

Billie Eilish = Alt / Grunge 

Started one of the biggest fashion trends of her generation, but it was just wearing a big ass tee shirt

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Taylor Swift = Clean-Cut / Risky 

Perfectionist about her music, queen of the basic bitches, rides in helicopters, does not care about the repercussions of calling out every single person who has ever wronged her

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Spongebob Squarepants = Risky / Whimsy 

Lives in a pineapple under the effing sea, positive and lighthearted, isn’t scared of getting stung by jellyfish, probably doesn’t have health insurance or a 401K (Mr. Krabs would never provide employee benefits)

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My old roommate Sadie = Clean-Cut / Grunge 

Always books two Airbnbs for a trip just in case one of the hosts cancels on her, religiously checks that the stove burner is off every single night before bed, sits her bare ass (hence, her vagina) on the shared couch, uses her hands to serve herself seconds at a dinner party (it’s not a cultural thing; it was linguini)

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Chappell Roan = Alt / Risky

Wore a pig nose at the Grammys after-party, then one year later publicly confronted the red carpet photographer who was mean to her at said party, demanding an apology in front of everyone

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Pretty much every straight male stand-up comedian = Whimsy / Grunge

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Barack Obama = Clean-Cut / Alt 

President of the United States, puts out a playlist of his favorite songs every year (that I look forward to more than my own Spotify Wrapped)

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Hannah from Girls = Risky / Grunge 

Freelance writer, dates psychos, shoves Q-tips too far in her ear, has her giant bush out in every other episode

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My boyfriend Tom = Clean-Cut / Whimsy 

Short hair, maxes out his Roth IRA every year, sends a bullet-pointed response when I text him to ask how his day was, writes silly songs about beans, Frankie Muniz, and “cum trees” for the internet that are unanimously beloved, had terrible clothes before he met me

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Tiger Woods = Clean-Cut / Risky 

Really good at golf, repeatedly cheated on his wife

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My dad = Risky / Grunge 

64 year-old man who skis off of cliffs, parks wherever he wants, calls our waitress by the name “Beautiful,” does not have hand soap in his bathroom, used to pick me up from school with no shirt on, great at first impressions, everyone loves the guy 

 

So, which combination are you? 

 

 

Yours truly, Ellen (Risky / Whimsy)