Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a girl called Little Red Riding Hood. She was called that because she wore a red hood every day, like a person with a severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

One day, her mother asked her to take a basket of goodies to her sick grannie. This was a little problematic. Little Red Riding Hood didn’t like being told what to do. She wasn’t crazy about her grannie or old people in general. Wasn’t nuts about lugging a basket around. Plus, she hated going into the woods because she had an irrational fear that bugs would run up her leg and crawl into her ya-ya, or whatever they’re calling female genitals these days.

While walking through the woods to her grannie’s, a giant Wolf appeared.

“Where are you off to?” asked the Wolf.

“To my grannie’s,” replied Little Red Riding Hood.

“What’s in the basket?” queried the Wolf.

“What are you – the basket police?” she said.

“No… I— “the Wolf began.

“Shouldn’t you be on the Discovery Channel chasing an elk or something like that,” she interrupted.

The Wolf began to speak again, “No, I just wanted to ask –“
She stopped him again mid-thought and said, “Save it, we’re done here.”



Little Red Riding Hood continued on her way, and the Wolf thought to himself, “I know a short-cut to grannie’s. I can have the grandma, the basket, and Little Red Riding Hood, too.”


When the Wolf got to the grannie’s house, he quickly ate her. The Wolf then put on the grannie’s clothes and hid under the covers, waiting for Little Red Riding Hood.


When Little Red Riding Hood arrived, she walked straight into the cottage. She said, “Grannie, what big eyes you — wait a minute. It smells like an unwiped ass in here! What have you been doing?”
The Wolf responded, “Uh, nothing. Why don’t you ask me how big my teeth are?”

“Give me an fucking break. Don’t tell me you’re the Wolf,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“Yes, I am,” said the Wolf as he ripped off the grandmother’s clothes, “I ate your grannie and now I’ll eat you, too!”

It took Little Red Riding Hood all of five seconds to get over her grandmother’s death. And, unknown to the Wolf, Little Red Riding Hood had the super-human strength of ten giant hamsters and quickly subdued him.

When she was finished, she said,“I don’t believe in capital punishment. I’m going to take you to be neutered.”

She took the Wolf to a veterinarian, who also doubled as the village idiot. Within seconds, the Wolf’s scrotum and testicles and blood were flying all over the place. It was at that point Little Red Riding Hood realized the vet was probably a better village idiot than he was a veterinarian. The Wolf’s screams were everywhere. When Little Red Riding Hood heard the Wolf’s agony, she felt bad and she raised the volume on her iPhone so she wouldn’t have to listen to it.

When the procedure was done, she noticed there was a big piece of Wolf scrotum on her red hood and she removed it. And they all lived happily ever after. Except for the grannie, who was eaten.


Come back next time hear the fable of the shepherd whose girlfriend was a sheep.