The Other Chalkboards That Will Hunting Wrote On As A Janitor
A Letter From the MIT Custodial Department to Will Hunting
Dear Mr. Hunting,
It has come to the attention of the MIT Custodial Department that you have been diverting your focus away from your janitorial responsibilities during your shift. As you have probably been told already, your job is strictly limited to overseeing the proper sanitation and maintenance of the school’s buildings. You are under no circumstances allowed to answer any chalkboard problems in the areas you work.
And while we are aware that one of the school’s mathematics professors is lauding your latest extracurricular stunt as genius, that does not excuse the numerous complaints from professors and students who are less than pleased with your assistance. So let us remind you of your schedule.
As soon as you clock in, you are to sweep and mop all of the classrooms on the first floor of the Dorrance Building. You are not permitted to answer any questions on the boards such as “What is the most expedient way to mitigate climate change?” with a three-chalkboard manifesto that ends with “publicly execute all politicians and CEOs”.
After you finish with the first floor, your next task is to empty all of the trash bins in the literature department wing and ONLY empty the trash bins. You must refrain yourself, for instance, from “fixing” students’ poems on the board of Professor Walsh’s creative writing class. It is not of your concern if there were a myriad of grammatical errors and overreliance on adverbs. These are students’ work, Mr. Hunting. It’s out of your place to rewrite lines of a student’s poem about their deceased brother, even if Professor Walsh admits your similes are objectively better than the original author’s and that he is more likely to receive an A now.
Next, you are to clean and restock the bathrooms in the Bush Building. You are absolutely forbidden from entering the room where Ms. Garcia hosts her night school class for English as a second language so that you can make adjustments to her lesson plans. We do not want Ms. Garcia to come into our office to complain that her students are using words like “cawfee”, “rippah”, “pissa”, “wicked smaht”, or that they are inserting an unnecessary “fuck” into every sentence they speak.
Lastly, you are to dust all of the erasers and wipe down all of the boards in the lecture halls. Let us reiterate: you are to WIPE down all of the boards, not attempt to solve any problems on the boards of Professor Thompson’s anatomy class. As he pointed out to us, there wasn’t even a problem on his board, and yet you approached a diagram of the female reproductive system, drew an arrow towards the clitoris and wrote “found it”. Not only were you slacking off from your duties, but it was reported that you inappropriately wrote out a detailed description on the perfect cunnilingus to make a woman climax while insisting that you cracked the unsolvable problem of the female orgasm that has plagued humanity for centuries.
So please Mr. Hunting, let’s leave the academics to the students who are paying good money for their education and focus on what we hired you to do. And before you deny responsibility, we know that all of these writings were done by you considering that each was signed off with “How do you like them apples?”
Sincerely,
MIT Custodial Staff
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Peter is a NYC-based comedian and writer who is the co-founder of the satirical crowdfunding website, JumpKick. His other comedy writing can be found on his Instagram, The Hard Times, Points in Case as well as other vast corners of the internet.
