The Politically Incorrect Traveler’s Exam

Travel magazines, basic cable channels, and websites inevitably offer their readers idealized and upbeat descriptions of foreign cultures, people, and cuisines. In the pages of these floridly descriptive sites you can indulge in a romantic gondola ride in Venice, perfect your tan in Fiji, or hang-glide above the picturesque forests of Venezuela. Few articles, however, fill the reader in on the possibility of catching scabies in a Sicilian bed-and-breakfast. Complete this questionnaire to test your knowledge of real world travel.

 

1) That gorgeous young lady you just proposed to in Bangkok is:

1. A demure epitome of Asian beauty
2. A victim of human trafficking
3. Able to do amazing things with a ping-pong ball
4. A man

 

2) In Australia it is a crime punishable by imprisonment to:

1. Traffic drugs
2. Smuggle wildlife
3. Kill a kangaroo
4. Spill your beer

 

3) Germans are best known for being:

1. Major players in European politics
2. Major players in NATO
3. Major players in the World Cup
4. Major players in the Holocaust

 

4) Americans are known for being:

1. Free
2. Fat
3. Obnoxious
4. All of the above

 

5) The French are known for being:

1. Sophisticated
2. Gourmets
3. Pussies
4. Major Pussies

 

6) Homosexuals are known in most of the world as:

1. Effeminate
2. Flamboyant
3. Funny
4. French

 

7) The British are known for their lousy:

1. Weather
2. Food
3. Teeth
4. All of the above

 

8) That Russian bride you just flew to Moscow to meet is in it for:

1. The love
2. The travel
3. The money
4. Her pimp

 

9) Your Tijuana taxi driver offers to take you to:

1. Avenue de Revolution
2. A ‘donkey’ show
3. His sister
4. A ‘donkey’ show starring his sister

 

10) Japan is known for the small size of its:

1. Land mass
2. People
3. Cars
4. Penises

 

11) Texans are:

1. Cowboys
2. Freedom-loving American patriots
3. Politically conservative
4. Gun-happy nut-jobs

 

12) Italian brides wear a veil to:

1. Hide their faces from the groom
2. Demonstrate their modesty
3. Follow the dictates of the Catholic church
4. Keep the flies off

 

13) The best food in India can be found:

1. In Mumbai
2. In Calcutta
3. In Delhi
4. In McDonalds

 

14) When visiting Saudi Arabia one should avoid too much exposure to the:

1. Heat
2. Sun
3. Sand
4. Saudis

 

15) The best thing about visiting China is:

1. Chinese culture
2. Chinese people
3. Chinese cuisine
4. Leaving

16) When planning a pleasure trip to Canada one should not:

1. Forget to dress warmly
2. Miss the Calgary Stampede
3. Mention the Quebec language debate
4. Admit it

 

17) You will forever regret traveling to:

1. The Riviera in the off season
2. Brazil in the rainy season
3. Nigeria in malaria season
4. Belgium

 

18) We should be grateful to Greece for giving us:

1. Democracy
2. Philosophy
3. Theatre
4. Butt sex

 

19) In France it’s considered rude to:

1. Discuss religion or politics
2. Speak French badly
3. Use the wrong fork
4. Bathe

 

20) In Poland it takes this many people to screw in a light bulb:

1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. (Insert Pollack joke here)

 

21) Holland is famous for:

1. Tulips
2. Legal drugs and prostitution
3. Dikes
4. Dykes

22) Don’t even think about:

1. Wearing a mini-skirt at the Vatican
2. Wearing expensive jewelry on the streets of Sao Paulo
3. Wearing a yarmulke in Afghanistan
4. Canada

 

23) Ireland is known as the land of:

1. Leprechauns
2. Potatoes
3. The Blarney Stone
4. Liver disease

 

24) The worst things you have to deal with in Hawaii are the:

1. Volcanic eruptions
2. Killer waves
3. Deadly jellyfish
4. Samoans

 

25) The worst thing that can happen on your international vacation is:

1. A hijacking
2. A terrorist attack
3. A deadly parasite
4. A Frenchman

 

26) The definition of Hell is:

1. The slums of Nairobi
2. The Black Hole of Calcutta
3. The favelas of Brazil
4. The Swiss

 

27) Never eat:

1. Unrefrigerated pork in Kenya
2. Tuna salad in Honduras
3. Three-day-old sushi in Swaziland
4. A Mexican

28) Run like Hell from:

1. Chinese ‘antique’ dealers
2. Gypsy street urchins
3. Thai streetwalkers with big hands
4. The French

 

29) Make sure you get vaccinations before:

1. Traveling to Panama
2. Eating oysters in Sudan
3. Getting a tattoo in Shanghai
4. Disneyland

 

30) Never endanger your children by leaving them alone at:

1. A shark-infested beach in Australia
2. A bear-infested trail in Alaska
3. A spider-infested forest path in Nigeria
4. The Vatican

 

31) You are guaranteed to get parasites from:

1. Pork in New Guinea
2. Oysters in Bangladesh
3. Poultry in Mongolia
4. Persians

 

32) You are bland, boring, and uninteresting. You are:

1. An industrial park in the Caucuses
2. A Christian day camp in New Zealand
3. An all-you-can-eat buffet in Iowa
4. Swedish

 

33) You’ve just contracted a parasite in Australia. It’s most likely:

1. A tapeworm
2. A hookworm
3. An amoeba
4. An Australian

Answers: “d”