Flight 74 Is Now Boarding Passengers Who Are Better Than You

Flight 74 to Los Angeles is now boarding at gate 22.

We’ll start by boarding passengers traveling with small children.  If you’re from Alabama, this includes frozen embryos.  Please make sure your child has a valid ticket and is packed in an airtight container that can stay cold for the duration of the flight.  We don’t want your state’s attorney general coming after us.  Ha ha!

Pregnant passengers traveling out of state for an abortion are also welcome to board.

Next we’d like to invite military personnel to board.  We’ll start with our active duty service members.  No one?  Okay, we’ll move on to veterans of the four main branches.  Only two people?  In that case, we’ll open it up to the Coast Guard, January 6 insurrectionists, and veterans of the War on Drugs, War on Women, and War on Christmas.  Thank you for your service!

In the spirit of equal time, we’re inviting groups opposed to the military industrial complex.  The Sierra Club, Democratic Socialists, Antifa.

Now boarding Group A.

At this time we are boarding medical professionals.  Doctors, nurses, physician assistants.  EMT’s.  People with doctoral degrees.  Dr. Dre.  Dr. Phil.  Dr. Jill Biden.

Let’s get our essential workers on this plane!  Firefighters, K-12 teachers, sanitation workers, come on down!

Just to be fair, non-essential workers can board too.  Ambulance chasers. Time share salesmen.  Cashiers at self-serve Froyo shops.  Get on that plane!

We’d like to invite all service animals who are traveling alone today to begin boarding.  Hey, look, they’re lining up two by two like in the Bible!

Paging janitorial staff, we need a cleanup at gate 22.  A therapy tortoise just took a dump on the floor.

At this time we’re inviting passengers who are autistic or diagnosed on the spectrum.  Whoa, a lot of people just stood up!  That spectrum keeps getting wider.   Please note I’m talking about the autism spectrum, not the Spectrum phone plan.  Oh good, a bunch of you sat back down.  Yeah, if you’re making solid eye contact, we’re going to ask to see your papers.

Now we’re inviting all passengers with an aisle seat to board the plane.  It’s a little game we started playing during the pandemic.  Our flight attendants just love watching people climb over each other.  It’s a great way to break the ice, don’t you think?

At this time we’re boarding passengers who were singled out for groping by a TSA agent.  It’s the least we can do after that invasive cavity search.  And if you were unlucky enough to get Agent Big-fingered Bubba, we’ll upgrade you to first class.

Now boarding Group B.

All professional Pickleball players are welcome to board.  We just learned about this sport and it’s such a hoot!  Please have your racquet out for inspection.

Huh.  Well this is embarrassing.  The plane is full, and groups C and D haven’t boarded yet.  Hang on.  I’m being told the boarding pass scanner was malfunctioning and people got on without a ticket.  We’ll have to clear the plane and start over.  Sorry folks, totally our bad!