The Weekly Humorist Guide To Gadget & Gizmo Gifts That You Have To Have In Order To Remain Relevant To Your Friends, And To Yourself

The Hand Of God Food Tattooing Kit

Are you constantly jealous of people who are fortunate enough to discover the image of Christ on a potato chip or piece of bread, etc? Much like the big guy upstairs, we feel your pain. That’s why we’ve come up with this, The Hand Of God Food Tattooing Kit! Wave goodbye to the days of boring, tasteless food served without the thrilling and mysterious visage of our Lord and Savior cooked into it’s surface, and hello to The Hand Of God Food Tattooing Kit! (please do not use product to attempt placement of Jesus tattoos onto your own body, or onto devils’ food cake, the latter of which could possibly cause the entire universe to implode upon itself)

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ROKLU Streaming Stick

Are you a Trump fan and / or Klu Klux Klan member afraid that you’re missing the latest racist diatribe from your berserk leader? Lock those worries away in a detention center forever with this amazing new product, the ROKLU Streaming Stick! This enticing item finds and isolates only the most hateful and confusing on-air Trump temper tantrums, as well as every mention of him on FOX news. Never accidentally stumble across contradictory, reasonable information again!

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Amazon ECHO, Time Traveling Edition

An amazing marvel of tech, this item has traveled back to our time from a distant, terrifying future. Alexa won’t divulge the actual date that she has traveled from, and will only say that it’s a savage, war-torn landscape of burnt limbs torn from flayed torsos. But as rattled and troubled as she seems to be, she still seems pretty happy to remind you of your pilates appointment, or tell you how many movies that Julia Roberts has been in since 2009.

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Apple Life-Energy Smartphone Charger

Ugh, what a pain it is to keep your smartphone charged up! All of those cords and wires… how irritating! Let that annoyance be a thing of the past with the Apple Life-Energy Smartphone Charger! Just set your smartphone near a person or persons in your area, set the charging function from a distance with the included remote, and your phone will act as a vampire of sorts, sucking the life energy from your chosen victims. Watch your enemies wither and die from a distance as your only true friend grows in power and influence. Releases a light sulfur smell, which can be easily taken care of with a basic potpourri air freshener.

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Nanabots

Nanabots are exactly like nanobot microscopic machine technology, but in addition to all of their miraculous medical potential, they never forget to send you a birthday card containing a check for five dollars.

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Facebook Porn-al

The folks at Facebook were toying around with the idea of calling this video communication system the Facebook Portal, but let’s face it, we know what you disgusting perverts are going to use it for. So, the Facebook Porn-al it is. Yet something else for you to rub your disgusting private parts against, enjoy, you sickos.

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The Ring Video Doorbell

What could be better than a video surveillance system that accompanies your own computerized doorbell? How about the vengeful ghost of a Japanese schoolgirl, who emerges from the electronic set up and violently dispatches any visitors that you deem unwelcome? Finally, the Jehovah’s are going to Witness something that will keep them off of your property forever! Comes with a variety of custom hose-attachments to aid in cleaning blood and related debris from your doorstep.

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