Truly Terrible Ways To Santa-Proof Your Home

Santa means well, but let’s face it, he probably spreads the coronavirus just as readily as Christmas joy; there’s no way that those elves practice social distancing in those tiny toy-making sweatshops.

So, how to best, for the time being, keep that fat jolly eggnog sucker out of your house?

The Christmas lights that are currently covering your house?  You can actually hire someone to rewire those to deliver a concussive jolt to anyone who comes within a few feet.  Just sayin’.

Santa loves entering the home via one’s chimney, so it stands to reason that keeping the fireplace roaring would be enough to dissuade the wise old elf.  But not so fast, Ebenezer.   You think that Santa has worked this route for centuries without learning how to deal with chimney fire?   Allow us to instead suggest a series of bear traps coated with a mild sedative.

For those familiar with navigating the dark web, it should be a breeze to locate a photo or two of Sarah, the original Mrs. Clause.   Placing these at your home’s entry points will be akin to covering your front door with garlic when expecting Dracula.

A viscous guard dog…  that’s what you’re thinking, right?    This isn’t Santa’s first night out on the town, okay? Now, murder hornets, on the other hand…

Make an appointment to have your house fumigated on Christmas Eve, then get a room at the Comfort Inn.