Tips for Planning the Wedding of Your Nightmares After Realizing the Wedding of Your Dreams Is Too Expensive

If you resist the wedding industrial complex and scrimp on everything for your special day, you might be able to afford a decent divorce.

 

Combine events: Doing the bachelorette and the bridal shower on the same day makes a lot of sense actually, because both your high school friends and your grandmas have drinking problems. Nana can get down. That’s what the double knee replacement was for.

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Customize the matching outfits: With Nana in tow, you should switch out the color-coordinated tank tops and fanny packs that say “bride tribe” in metallic letters. Not age-appropriate and she can’t read it without her glasses. Go for symbols instead. The police might mistake you for some sort of weird gang and arrest everyone, but the experience will make for an Insta-worthy pic of the group. Amazing lighting in prison.

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Stay local: Who says the hallway of your one-bedroom apartment isn’t an aisle? Your downstairs neighbor who reports you for excess noise every time you have friends over? Simply soundproof your floors by laying down mats. When you slip installing them and break both legs, you’ll be in so much pain you’ll forget your dream wedding was ever a thing.

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Ditch the florist: With your full-leg casts, you can’t exactly kneel in the dirt to grow your own flowers. So steal some pipe cleaners from your future mother-in-law’s kindergarten classroom for an extra colorful “bouquet.” Those kids will be fine without them. Our public schools are notoriously overfunded.

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Expand your definition of caterer: Fancy hors d’oeuvres are overrated. Save yourself all the hoopla, and credit card debt, and just Postmates pizzas. Cheaper and honestly, more of a crowd pleaser. You’ll need to un-invite the vegans, but when your future mother-in-law finds out about the stolen craft supplies, she won’t want to come anyway.

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Embrace a mismatched bridal party: Speaking of crafts, get creative and your bridesmaids won’t have to don the same stuffy overpriced ensemble. Let them wear whatever they want. Better yet, let them decorate a potato sack however they want. They’ll thank you for a look they can actually rewear. The versatility of a potato sack is unmatched.

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Remember that fashion is subjective: For your own look, if you wear a long enough veil, it will distract from the second-hand dress you find on your neighborhood Buy Nothing Facebook group. Not because the dress is ugly, which it objectively is, but because it will give you a rash that the cheap makeup artist still in beauty school hasn’t learned how to cover yet.

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Lean on your community: There are plenty of nice people out there willing to do a favor for a stranger without wanting anything in return. Ask a tourist with a camera to be your photographer for the day. When they end up wanting something in return because they’re not one of those nice people and those people don’t exist, give them a ride to the airport in rush hour. Don’t worry, you’ll only miss the first dance.

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Don’t get engaged in the first place: If you can’t get married at a Tuscan villa in a designer gown as the sun sets over age-old vineyards, it’s probably not worth it to get married at all.