Tips For Smoothing Down Bloomberg’s Evil Billionaire Image
When hosting homeless fight club matches, allow contestants a few moments to wolf down a warm meal before each match.
Allow himself to be stopped and frisked by a particularly handsy swimsuit model, and see how he likes it.
Park his helicopter in the section reserved for normal folks, rather than the VIP section.
Bribe editors of People magazine regarding their “World’s Sexiest Evil Billionaire” issue.
Allow himself to be taught a smile that doesn’t cause the average human to feel as if their soul has been suddenly dipped into acid.
Cheerful, brightly-colored welcome mats placed in front of each and every homeless person’s cardboard-box.
Pedestrians run over by his limo entered into a special drawing to possibly win a new color TV.
When vicious dogs are unleashed upon unwary interlopers that have wandered onto is property, ensure that said dogs carry no diseases that could potentially be passed along to the individuals they’ll be ripping to shreds.
Citizens collected for secret genetic experimentation trials given fifteen minutes per session to look at their iPhone (games only, no internet).
One child or pet per household given the secret formula for eternal life injected into their bloodstream.
Take on the role of the irritable grandpa on Fuller House.
Finally give Smithers a raise.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
