The Road To A Tom Steyer Presidency

For many low-polling candidates, there is only a razor’s-edge chance that they will win the highest office in the nation. With that in mind, here are all the things that need to happen in order for Tom Steyer to win the presidency in 2020.

STEP 1 — Thanos erases Amy Klobuchar.

STEP 2 — America regains its childlike ability to believe in the impossible.

STEP 3 — Michael Bloomberg gives Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Joe Biden each a lump-sum payment of exactly one billion dollars… boom, now they’re all billionaires, baby.

STEP 4 — Let’s face it, most Americans wouldn’t vote for Tom Steyer even if they were being held at gunpoint. Ok, sure… but what about two gunpoints?

STEP 5 — Do you remember that whole “hanging chad” debacle back in the 2000 election? Well something like that would have to happen… but, instead, this time the mistake would be that everyone fucks up and votes for Tom Steyer.

STEP 6 — A podcast couldn’t hurt.

STEP 7 — Realistically speaking, it’ll take an act of God to make Tom Steyer president… and not the Christian God, either. No, I’m thinking it’s probably going to be one of those “trickster” gods like Anansi or Loki. One of those jerks would definitely put Tom Steyer in the Oval Office.

STEP 8 — The Steyer campaign gets one of those hot, young Chasten Buttigiegs that everyone seems to be talking about nowadays.

STEP 9 — Let’s just do the math. Tom Steyer has a net worth of about 1.6 billion dollars. And America has about 320 million people in it. That’s around 5 dollars per person. And do you know what you can buy for five bucks? That’s right… a fully-loaded Taco Bell Steak Crunchwrap Supreme. So I guess my big question right now is: where’s my Crunchwrap, Mr. Steyer?

STEP 10 — Tom Steyer increases his stage presence from “none” to “more than that.”

STEP 11 — America impeaches, in this order, Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, Mike Pompeo, and, for good measure, the next 9 people in line for presidential succession.

STEP 12 — After 14 consecutive impeachments, President Betsy DeVos decides not to run for a second term.

STEP 13 — Sometime in the next few months, religious scholars discover indisputable proof that Christ was a real person, that he truly was the son of God, that he was omnipotent, almighty, all-knowing, and that his last, dying words were “Steyer 2020.”

STEP 14 — Read my lips, America: Lil Nax X “Old Town Road” (Feat. Tom Steyer).

STEP 15 — Thirty years from now, in the year 2050, a time traveler goes back in time to prevent the Kennedy assassination, but he makes a terrible, terrible mistake and accidentally ends up traveling to the year 2020 where he fucks up and makes Tom Steyer president.

STEP 16 — Every weapon in the world’s nuclear arsenal detonates simultaneously. The carnage is horrific and unspeakable. Everyone dies except for Tom Steyer. Tom Steyer votes for Tom Steyer.

STEP 17 — I mean, I still don’t really know how the electoral college works… so maybe there’s something there that can help?

STEP 18 — Everyone except for Tom Steyer gets raptured.