Tips For A Fun, Massacre-Free Backyard Barbecue

No need to be as lax as the US Govt’s gun-purchasing policies.; extensive background checks for everyone attending your party is an absolute must.

Sure, these people are your friends, but do you really want them to know where you live? There are probably several vacant houses in your neighborhood, use one of their backyards for your get-together.

No eye-contact, and keep chatter to a minimum.

At any outdoor party, SPF of at least 35 is definitely a good idea. Even better, some sort of kevlar item. Best option, just forget the whole thing and spend the three day weekend locked securely in your panic room.

Best not to hang any decorations or banners that proclaim your enthusiasm in regards to patriotic holidays. Revealing your political beliefs can cause agitation, disagreement and potential violence, even on the most benign of occasions. If you must decorate, plain, drab colors would be best.

Pool games are admittedly fun, but not worth the trouble. Remember, a trigger-happy member of your guest list might very well be offended in some way by the mention of Marco Polo. Best not to chance it. In fact, just go ahead and drain the pool; it would make a great place to dive for cover once the gunplay begins.

Drinking? You mean like alcohol?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!? And put some more clothes on, for Christ sakes.