News Briefs

“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!

A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic jam.  What was supposed to be a run of the mill “Toys for Tots” event became anything but, when its full page ad declared “Toys For Tits.”  Word of the “event” spread quickly, causing two local strip joints to close completely.  Said Honey Suckle (we assume not her real name), “do you know how many hours I have to dance to get enough one dollar bills to buy my kids Christmas presents?”  Lifting her shirt, Ms. Suckle added, “I figure these babies gotta be good for a ‘X Box One S”

The local fire department quickly arrived on the scene. When asked if there was a fire, the Chief shrugged and said, “There might be!”  Later in the day, the newspaper’s editor offered this apology: “we fired the boob, uh, idiot.” In a related story, area toy stores reported their highest one day sales totals with most of the purchases to grown men in a rush to what they believed was the “Toys for Tits” event.

by Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending, Congolese gynecologist, Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog, Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar…