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Truly Terrible Tailgating Tips
Feel free to bring your small dogs and other pets, but try to keep them out of reach of the drunk guy who seems to be continually tossing random items onto his grill.
Be sure to show up early enough to get a good spot, but not so early that you’re forced to make awkward, stilted conversation with the forty-something guy whose mother dropped him off at around the same time.
Tailgaters are in general a fairly genial bunch, but everyone has their limit, so try to keep those veggie-burger patties out of sight if possible.
Bring along a few bottles of sunscreen, one for yourself and a couple that will definitely be stolen by fellow tailgaters for their special meth recipe.
Tailgaters will strongly encourage you to bring your kids along, which to me says that it’s probably a much better idea to leave them safely at home.
One never knows when Cupid’s arrow will next strike, of course, but tailgating etiquette suggests that those porta-potties are only meant for one person at a time, and certainly only one tailgater-sized person at a time.
Feel free to root for your favorite team via face-paint, but perhaps proceed with caution if your favorite team are the Steelers, or other teams whose primary colors are black, brown, etc.
Sports enthusiasts like tailgaters can be a fairly superstitious bunch, but even so, don’t feel that the severe food poisoning you suffer through at home later is any sort of indication that God hates your team.
While indeed entertaining to watch the three fat, drunken guys in the knife fight, don’t neglect your responsibility to echo the cheers of your compatriots in the stadium.
Tailgating parties don’t always turn into grease-covered orgies, but play it safe and bring along a couple of cyanide capsules (which go down easily when covered with a bit of ranch dipping sauce).
Make sure to be seen profusely sweating over the food items that you’re grilling / preparing, so that any fellow tailgaters refrain from mooching your grub.
And re: the previous tip, if you tend to eat in as unhealthy a fashion as we suspect, your sweat most likely subs as a fantastic marinade! Sweet, tangy and salty in all the right places. Bonus!
If you see any neighboring tailgater-family children gaining interest in that area of broken glass and debris, be sure to have the camera on your iPhone ready!
It’s been several months, and the treatments do seem to be working, but still, err on the side of caution by steering clear of any tailgates held on a full moon (werewolves only).
While tailgating is not technically considered “cult activity”, Gorvath The Unyielding must still be appeased, so be prepared to offer up one of your loved ones during at least one game this season.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
