Uniquely Tasteless Halloween Costumes That’ll Get Your Ass Canceled in 2024

Ah, the passage of time. With the first day of autumn already in the can, many are eager to embrace the seasonal trappings of fall. Momentarily, we’ll be up to our eyeballs in foliage, pumpkin-themed beverages, and, last but not least, offensive Halloween costumes.

 

Unethical costumes have existed for years. As such, the hallmarks are easy to identify: Blackface, brownface, cultural appropriation fits, Nazi attire, terrorist attire, etc. You get the picture. And yet, so many people do not. What I find most troubling about these costumes – aside from their blatant tastelessness – is their laziness. It’s believed Halloween originated over two thousand years ago. Two millenniums seems like plenty of time for tasteless costume innovation. And yet, I keep seeing the same old offensive fits. Have we lost our ability to think outside the box? Those Native American headdresses won’t cut it this year, undergrads! I dare you to appall me with your inventiveness!

 

Now, when it comes to the creative ingenuity of insensitive morons, I must admit I’m a bit of a pessimist. That’s because insensitive morons are the least imaginative beings on the planet. They derive ideas from the lowest-hanging comedy trees imaginable. As a result, everything feels obvious and stale. We can’t count on these people to create uniquely tasteless Halloween costumes for 2024. But that’s okay. I’ll just step the fuck up and do it myself.

I’ve devised a list of several tasteless fits that breathe new life into the unethical costume marketplace. We’ll use the Tasteless Scale to determine the severity of each costume, ranging from “Slap on the Wrist” to “Canceled Indefinitely.” Whether you’re a punk-ass college student looking to offend your roommates or an undervalued employee looking to rustle feathers at an office party, I’ve got the tasteless Halloween costume to fit your needs. Without further ado, let’s get started.

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Christopher Columbus Observing the Horizon while Standing Atop a Pile of Native American Corpses

 

Costume Type: Group Ensemble

Tasteless Scale: Provocative Art Piece – Canceled Indefinitely

 

Starting the list with a proper bang is a group ensemble that’s equal parts offensive and provocative. Just in time for Thanksgiving discourse, this unsubtle portrayal of genocide is sure to piss a ton of people off. Those with beating hearts will likely find the giant pile of slain Native Americans distasteful. Meanwhile, Columbus apologists will take offense to the unsavory portrayal of the Italian explorer.

 

Despite its controversial DNA, a part of me wonders whether this group costume could operate as social commentary. If so, it could be seen as a provocative art piece with a message, thus lessening the severity of its placement on the Tasteless Scale. Authenticity is crucial if one wishes to take the social commentary route. If you’d rather chase indefinite cancelation, you’ll need a posse of degenerate white scumbags and several cans of brown face paint. Once you’ve assembled your dream team, crack open the cans of brown face paint and do what comes naturally.

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Zombified Robert Budd Dwyer Hawking Unofficial Copies of his Unpublished Memoir Blaze of Glory: Why Corrupt Politicians Should Off Themselves on Live Television for $28.99

 

Costume Type: Solo

Tasteless Scale: A Stern Conversation – A Few Scowls

 

The cool kids know all about Robert Budd Dwyer, right? If you’re unfamiliar, ol’ Budd Dwyer was a Republican politician who held various offices in Pennsylvania from the mid-sixties to the late eighties. Outside his tenure in American politics, he’s most known for blowing his brains out on live television in 1987. At the time, Budd faced eleven convictions, including mail fraud, perjury, conspiracy to commit bribery, and racketeering. Rather than resign and accept a potential sentence of fifty-five years plus a $300,000 fine, Budd decided to eat a bullet instead.

 

The idea of a zombified Robert Budd Dwyer rising from the dead to promote an unpublished memoir is tasteless enough. To then title the memoir Blaze of Glory: Why Corrupt Politicians Should Off Themselves on Live Television sinks the costume to new depths of depravity. Only an undead Budd Dwyer could convince modern-day politicians to kill themselves over their acts of corruption. Granted, they’ll have to purchase a copy of his manuscript to unlock the bulk of his self-destructive wisdom. But for $28.99, they could do a lot worse.

 

Look, there aren’t many Budd apologists out there. I think a majority of people will be confused by this costume. It wouldn’t hurt to have a short explanation prepared. You could even show the suicide, which is readily available online. On the Tasteless Scale, this one might get a stern conversation. Maybe even a few scowls. But I doubt it’ll get you canceled. It’s way too niche.

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Kyle MacLachlan’s Character from Blue Velvet Distributing Edible Donald Trump Ear Fragments to Trick-Or-Treaters

 

Costume Type: Homeowner/Greeter/Candy Distributor

Tasteless Scale: Physical Confrontation – Some Form of Cancelation

 

Finally, a costume for the cinephile! This ensemble pays homage to the opening scene of David Lynch’s Blue Velvet. In that 1986 film, Kyle MacLachlan’s character discovers a severed human ear buried beneath the deceptively peaceful backdrop of a quiet logging town. This costume lampoons that opening scene while simultaneously satirizing the botched assassination attempt of a former television host.

 

Before you accuse me of reaching, wouldn’t you like to know the name of the character who loses an ear in Blue Velvet? It’s Don. The idea works, baby!

 

This costume’s a doozy on the Tasteless Scale. For starters, there’s a controversial election around the corner featuring Donald Trump and his fractured earlobe. I imagine the Blue Velvet reference will go over the heads of most MAGA supporters. However, if you’re forward about the edible ear fragments belonging to Donald, you’ll likely receive a few sucker punches to the face. Mocking a political assassination attempt also has the potential to get you canceled, but the severity of that cancelation will depend on the company you keep. At the very least, expect to receive a scolding from the virtuous saints in your life.

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Titular Couch from The Big Comfy Couch Getting Groped by a Naked & Sweaty JD Vance

 

Costume Type: Solo

Tasteless Scale: A Stern Conversation – Cancelation + Incarceration

 

Baseball. Apple pie. Bald eagles. These are just a few classic symbols that embody the American spirit. Should 2024 favor the efforts of JD Vance, couches will soon join that sacred list.

 

I know what you’re thinking: Does JD Vance really slide his stubby chode between semi-lubricated couch cushions? Who’s to say? Regardless, now seems like the perfect time to preserve this urban legend in the form of a tasteless Halloween costume.

 

Regarding costume logistics, the JD Vance portion is simple enough. But what about the couch? If money isn’t an issue, you could hire movers to lug it about. If spending is tight, perhaps you could enlist the help of a few bosom buddies.

 

We must consider several variables when rating this costume on the Tasteless Scale. People who dislike Vance might enjoy the ribbing nature of the ensemble. At the same time, the costume depicts an act of assault as comical. Although outrageous in its execution, the darker undertones could offend SA survivors. As for Vance supporters, they likely won’t tolerate the unflattering caricature. Then, there’s the nudity. Skin-toned underwear might feel like a cop-out, but they’re necessary if you wish to avoid jail time. Expect to receive a stern conversation and a few scowls when rocking this costume with appropriate undergarments. If you go for the full monty, expect cancellation and incarceration.

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A Tense Roundtable Conversation Between RFK Jr. and a Panel of Famous Fictional Bears (Fozzie Bear, Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Bear, Little Bear, and Yogi Bear)

 

Costume Type: Group Ensemble

Tasteless Scale: Slap on the Wrist

 

Oh, RFK Jr., you demented sonofabitch. I recall when my inbred neighbor was one of twelve people planning to vote for you. Then came the infamous bear story, which sent my inbred neighbor running for the MAGA hills. Even Joe Rogan – America’s leading provider of batshit conspiracy theories – rescinded a previous endorsement. That must’ve stung, considering he was your twelfth fan. Oh well. I’m sure you’ll get ’em next time, RFK Jr.

 

Where do I even begin with this costume? The table poses a logistical nightmare, but I’d argue its importance. The goal is to capture a strained conversation overflowing with tension. What better way to convey this tension than with a roundtable? If lugging around a solid table proves too hellish of an ordeal, try obtaining a folding unit.

 

As for the costumes, RFK Jr. is easy enough (a casual dress shirt with rolled-up sleeves, a skinny tie, and denim jeans), but what about the bear outfits? Do you get your buddies to dress up as the fictional bears, or do you wrangle five live bears into ill-fitting attire? The latter will undoubtedly get you canceled, but the former poses much less of a threat. We’re talking a light slap on the wrist at best. If indecisive, ask yourself: What would RFK Jr. do? He’d probably push for authenticity. PETA be damned.

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Former Paralympic Sprinter Oscar Pistorius and Zombified Girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp

 

Costume Type: Partner/Couple/Buddy

Tasteless Scale: A Stern Conversation – Canceled Indefinitely

 

No Halloween festivity is complete without sighting an offensive partner costume. If wishing to evoke tasteless energy with the help of your better half, consider dressing as Oscar Pistorius and Reeva Steenkamp.

 

Affectionately dubbed “The Blade Runner” and “The Fastest Man on No Legs,” former sprinter Oscar Pistorius dominated the Paralympic Games. Throughout the mid to late aughts and early ’10s, his tenacity won him six gold medals and millions of fans. The inspirational success story took a disastrous turn in 2013 when Pistorius gifted his then-girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, four bullets on Valentine’s Day. Pistorius was eventually convicted of culpable homicide and served nine years in prison.

 

I don’t think I have to explain why this costume breathes controversy. Making light of murder rarely elicits positive feedback. Then, there’s the question of prosthetics. Is it less offensive of a costume if a bilateral below-the-knee amputee portrays Pistorius? I mean, part of me would be appalled. But another part would applaud the creative dark humor on display. That said, if I saw a non-amputee, non-disabled person take on the role of Pistorius, I’d call for their immediate cancelation.

 

If you’re a bilateral below-the-knee amputee with a twisted sense of humor and thick skin, maybe give this partner costume a shot. Expect a handful of scowls and a confrontation or two. If feeling cornered, don’t be afraid to turn on the sass. “Oh, I’m sorry, do you find this costume offensive? What should I have come as instead? A peg-legged pirate? For the hundredth thousandth time? Fuck that degrading bullshit! It’s 2024! I want to be an Olympian, dammit!”

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Elon Musk Distributing Free Keys to Recalled Tesla Cybertrucks

 

Costume Type: Homeowner/Greeter/Candy Distributor

Tasteless Scale: Slap on the Wrist – A Few Scowls

 

I’ve never understood why motorists loathe the Cybertruck. Between its angular shape, brutalist design, and various recalls (faulty accelerator pedal, faulty windshield wiper motors, and faulty trunk bed trim), it’s arguably the ideal vehicle for any given scenario. But if it’s so perfect, why does society continually reject it?

 

One thing I know for sure: Elon Musk isn’t to blame. A word you’ll never see associated with Musk is “Controversy.” That’s because our boy Elon is a saint amongst sinners. He’s practically the modern-day Saint Nick! Want proof? Observe the rosy cheeks and rotund gut. The resemblance is uncanny. What better way to celebrate the Santa Claus of our time than with this costume?

 

This homeowner ensemble is relatively straightforward. Major props if you can get your hands on real Cybertruck keys. Ditto if you can convince reluctant trick-or-treaters to take them. As for the Tasteless Scale, it registers relatively low due to the notoriety of the subjects involved. Unless you encounter a die-hard Tesla/Elon stan, expect a light slap on the wrist. Maybe a few scowls.

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Comet Ping Pong Pizza Delivery Cyclist Pursued by an Angry Mob of QAnon Followers

 

Costume Type: Group Ensemble

Tasteless Scale: Physical Confrontation

 

Imagine, if you will, a quiet residential street in the dead of night. You’re on a mid-evening stroll, admiring the peaceful atmosphere, when suddenly, a distant commotion startles you. You take a moment to adjust your gaze. Just beyond the horizon, a terrified cyclist barrels forward. They appear to be wearing a Comet Ping Pong pizzeria uniform. You notice fear in the eyes of the pizza delivery cyclist as they zoom past your post. In a few moments, you understand why. Just behind the cyclist is an angry mob of QAnon followers. This band of unrelenting yahoos wield signs that read “Save the Children from Pedo Pizza,” “Eat a Slice, Pay the Price,” “Raid the Basement,” “Pizzagate is Real! #StopHumanTrafficking,” and “Take Our Kids Off the Menu.”

 

Right. Now that you’ve pictured this horrific scene, I’d like you to re-imagine it as a staged group costume. Oh yeah. This one’s a doozy.

 

Let’s start with logistics. How many people does it take to stage a convincing angry mob? Some say ten, others twenty. For my money, it’ll take at least thirty individuals to make this costume pop. Constructing signs is easy enough. But what about the pizza delivery cyclist? You might be inclined to enlist a weekend warrior for the job, but that would be wrong. A role this demanding requires endurance only a professional rider can summon. Finally, there’s the Comet uniform. As of writing this article, Comet Ping Pong sells licensed outerwear via their web store. Alternatively, those who craft can make a delivery jacket from scratch.

 

This one registers relatively high on the Tasteless Scale. Expect physical confrontations from pizzagate aficionados. Ditto QAnon followers. They’re a passionate bunch.

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Uncle Sam Gifting Benjamin Netanyahu a Giant Check for Genocide Purposes

 

Costume Type: Partner/Couple/Buddy

Tasteless Scale: Canceled Indefinitely

 

Well, we started the list with a bang. It only seems fair to end with a nuclear explosion.

 

If you’ve slept under a rock for the past year, you might’ve missed a new development in the ongoing conflict between Hamas and Israel. Because this is a humor site, I won’t attempt to summarize the complicated events that led to such devastating violence. However, I will take a fiver as you dive into the chaotic news cycle. Don’t worry – this article will still be here upon your return.

 

Welcome back! How was the news? Infuriatingly depressing? Yeah, I feel you.

 

Could this partner costume operate as social commentary? Of course! Amidst the endless wave of thrown rocks, you’ll likely receive a few warm nods of approval, too. Maybe even a solidarity hug! However, I don’t see the general public reacting positively to this ensemble.

 

This one breaks the Tasteless Scale. If seeking indefinite cancelation, there’s no better option on this list. Have at it, you crazy sonsofbitches.