Updates on Your Dad’s New Year’s Resolutions

I was drunk when I said that — no one should resolve to spend more time with this family.

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Ok, I would totally see this thing through, but have you forgotten we’re in the middle of a pandemic right now?

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Resolutions are like student loans. If you keep deferring them, eventually they’re likely to go away altogether and then you’ll finally be happy!

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You know what, it’s probably unhealthy to lose THAT much weight, right?

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It has gotten WAY too stressful out there to quit smoking now.

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It’s like I always tell my kids, “It’s better to try and to fail than to never have tried at all. And it’s better still to wait until you’re sure you’re going to succeed — even if that means putting it off for a year or two.”

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I’m already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too?

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I can’t go to the gym looking like this.

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Umm, I didn’t realize we’d still have to wear masks on the plane when I said that.

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Who’s gonna mow this goddamn lawn if I’m off getting huge, cause based on your track record, it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it’ll be you, mister!

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I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends.

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I started running, but I already caught my refrigerator, so it seems pointless now.

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I sprained my effort gluteus, and there is a year recovery time.

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I’m just going to rest my eyes for a year.

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When I said my resolution was to live life to the fullest, I meant napping more.

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Rome wasn’t built in a day, so I figure I’ve got time before getting to the roof.

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When I said clean more, I meant my fingernails. Pass me that fork, would you?

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I should probably wait to see what CDC says about my resolutions.

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