Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times

First Trip

• “Whoa, we haven’t even left the terminal yet and this guy already has to whizz!”
• “The bus driver literally just told us on the intercom to wait until we’re on the road to use the john. What a dick.”
• “Ugh, why did I have to get the last seat right by the gol dang bathroom? I really hope this guy doesn’t have to go numero dos. Wow, saying ‘numero dos’ does not sound funny at all in my head.”

Second Trip

• “Walking to the bathroom on a moving bus is one of the top five most embarrassing things a human being can do in their entire life. He must have no dignity.”
• “I give his walk of shame a 6/10. Poor form, head not hanging low enough, eyes shifting too slowly, mouth is barely curled into a frown. Needs work.”
• “The nerve of that guy to interrupt my private phone call with my wife on speaker phone by asking me to move my leg out of the aisle. These liberal millennials are ruining this country.”

Third Trip

• “He has to know everyone here is watching him like a hawk and judging him like an owl, and yet he soldiers on. It honestly would be kind of inspiring if I wasn’t so drunk.”
• “He doesn’t even look sick. Are diseases evolving?”
• “This doofus must have a bladder the size of a water chestnut. Oh! That reminds me, I need to go to PF Chang’s again. That duck…so good.”
• “He is committing a crime against humanity by relieving himself surrounded by a captive audience. This guy deserves prison time.”
• “If we got in an accident, ten bucks says he would crawl through the wreckage without helping anyone just so he could piss in a ditch. Selfish prick.”
• “Please don’t poop this time please don’t poop this time please don’t poop this time.”

Fourth Trip

• “How is it that after three trips this clown still hasn’t figured out you’re supposed to grip the rails next to the overheard storage area when you’re walking down? If he bumps into me on the way back for a fourth time in a row I am going to react, I swear to God.”
• “Can a person physically contain that much solid waste? It doesn’t seem possible. I should bring him to my lab where I examine other freaks.”
• “Was this idiot born in a barn? Everyone knows if you’re on a bus you’re never supposed to succumb to your biological needs. You must hold it in for the duration of the ride just like everyone else. It’s bathroom socialism.”
• “I don’t get why I don’t smell anything. What is he even doing in there? Ohhh maybe he brought his own Poo-Pourri. Actually, no, you’d have to be smart to do that.”

Fifth Trip

• “Wow, I can’t believe this asshole is gonna force me to smell his shit in this airtight room while I eat my hot tuna sandwich. Insane.”
• “I’m a doctor and even I feel guilty for not asking if he’s okay.”
• “If this bus breaks down I am going to blame him.”
• “Are we on some sort of prank show?”
• “In nomine Patris et Filii et, I beg you, send this demon back to Hell.”
• “I wonder if he has an iPhone charger. Because I would like to strangle him with it.”
• “I’m going to use this to explain to my seven-year-old how fully grown adults should never behave.”
• “What is this, like his hundredth time?”
• “How has all of this happened in the past thirty minutes?”
• “Crap. I don’t think this is the bus to Hartford.”