We at the EPA Assure You This Liquid Is Only a Little Spilled Milk and It’s Nothing to Cry Over

“…A train carrying toxic chemicals derailed in East Palestine, a town of under 5,000 people along the Ohio-Pennsylvania border….Despite the assurances, a chemical odor lingered days afterward and officials estimate thousands of fish were killed by contamination washing down streams and rivers, fueling residents’ concerns about water and air safety.” —CNN.COM

What’s all this whining about? Yes, a train derailed, spilling something all over this small town– but we, the EPA, want to assure you: It’s not a toxic substance that might kill you now or in twenty years. It’s just cow’s milk, so there’s nothing to worry about. Now, please dry those tears. You’re giving yourself a sinus infection.


Yes, your eyes are watering and you’ve got a mysterious rash covering your body, but we repeat: it’s just plain old bovine juice. But we heard you, the state heard you, and the Department of Health has heard you and we have all come to the conclusion that you must have a dairy allergy. Now, here’s a month’s supply of Benadryl. We suggest taking it all at once. It will make you drowsy so when you complain of being extra lethargic you can assume it’s from that, and not from the crème fraîche that’s in the air, soil, and water.


We are grown men that spend enough time around teets to know nature’s formula. So trust us when we say you can scoop up a cup and pour it directly into your morning cereal for a delicious, healthy start to the day. There’s no need to buy cartons from the store, just mop up this mess and add it to your coffee. Sit back, relax, and inhale the fumes of what is only harmless lactic acid.


We’d love to hand out some cash and stick around for the cleanup, but unfortunately, we only cover large natural disasters and not a little milk spillage.


Coming to think of it, we’re not sure why stray cats are not lapping all this up, but it’s definitely not because they are dropping dead in large numbers all over town. They are probably busy chasing mice, maybe they went south for the winter, or have you considered that they’re at the movies watching Puss in Boots?


There’s also no need to evacuate over spilled milk. If you don’t trust our expertise, we have generously paid some farmers to come here and reassure you. For added confidence, we’re making them swap their overalls for some scientist coats and they’re going to walk around with costume goggles and beakers we’ve picked up at Party City—just so that you can sleep at night without wetting your pillows over this nonsense.


We should also let you know: we noticed a few more rail tankers just sitting there on the tracks, and with all the fires in the area, which we are attributing to climate change, we figured they were in danger of exploding. So instead of hauling them away from your already distraught neighborhood, we made them go “KABOOM” ourselves, right where they were. Don’t hyperventilate about their contents either–they were just full of milk, of course, en route to Starbucks.


Now, how about we buy you some ice cream, and you can stop this tantrum already? We’ve got a crazy headache– mysterious pains which we’re certain have everything to do with all the noise you’re making and nothing at all to do with all this spilled milk.