WebMD: Repeal And Replace
I’ll Die Without Insurance Disorder
What is I’ll Die Without Insurance Disorder (IDWID)?
Feeling the pressures of paying for the high cost of medical bills is stressful for anyone who has experienced something as minor as a routine checkup at their family doctor. Unfortunately, IDWID is much more complicated than that.
IDWID is a causation brought about by the Republican Party, or as you may know them as the GOP (Grand Old Party/Guys Opposing People). IDWID stems from contracting a disease that you think could never happen to you, but you enjoy seeing your favorite actors portray having it in order to win an Oscar. However, instead of winning an award for your literally rapidly deteriorating body, you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel all the while envelopes full of past due payments begin to stack up on every surface in your immediate surroundings.
IDWID, as is apparent with its name, is a terminal illness that has only just become a recent phenomenon in the United States. People have long died due to lack of insurance, but never before did they have access to it. Ironic? You betcha.
IDWID is hereditary, but you can grow out of it simply by becoming an adult and finding a job that has insurance. Not an easy premium to come by.
IDWID can also be a side effect of owning a cell phone, according Jason Chaffetz.
Experts reveal that I’ll Die Without Insurance Disorder is the root of a problem in American politics which seems to only be effecting those who have no real say in American politics. It’s a catch-22 which medical professionals understand could result in the death of upwards of 22 (hundred/thousand/million) Americans–its potential for death toll is truly unknown at this point, though it’s understood many, many will die.
If you have IDWID you have trouble relating to bureaucrats. You may find yourself at a town hall meeting explaining your imminent death before being prescribed the life-saving ACA (Affordable Care Act), only to have that very politician pivot the conversation toward understanding how to “dab.”
IDWID stems from being an honest, hardworking American who was given an unlucky hand in life, then medical gatekeepers ask you to show your hand and none of your cards have the word “insurance” on them.
Most notably, you’re an owner of an iPhone or another smartphone.
Diagnosing I’ll Die Without Insurance Disorder is a result of your answer to one of the following questions:
- Do you own a cell phone? And, to follow up for no reason, why do you own a cell phone?
- Are you a resident of the United States who deserves access to affordable health care?
- Doesn’t that first question make a lot more sense when your answer is a resounding “Yes!” which one can assume it was?
- Between “Affordable Care Act” and “Repeal And Replace” which one sounds more like the title of a slasher horror movie?
- Given your obvious answer to the previous question, who would want to live in a world where that is what we’re going with?
If you answered “surely nobody,” seek medical attention, for you may have contracted IDWID. The answer to all these questions makes it clear if you have risk factors associated with IDWID–at this point on the page we’re entitled to tell you that you do have these risk factors.
If you have I’ll Die Without Insurance Disorder, you:
- You take SnapChat videos on your cell phone of yourself puking your brains out into a public toilet, because you chose a cell phone over insurance
- Can’t fathom what the current administration is thinking
- Have woken up in a cold sweat screaming out, “Don’t Repeal And Replace me!”
- Should pray that if you contract something serious it occurs within the next year while you still have access to ACA coverage
- May suffer from a heart attack knowing you’ll die while Trump is leader of the free world
Sufferers include those who touted ObamaCare was total garbage, yet were in favor of the Affordable Care Act, only to enter a personal Twilight Zone when they realized these are the same thing.
Serious health risks associated with I’ll Die Without Insurance Disorder include:
- Being found dead
- Not being able to vote in the next election, because you’ve died
- Leaving behind buckets of unpaid bills for your loved ones who also can’t pay for it, for they don’t have insurance, and may be dying as well
- Jason Chaffetz will personally rack up your cell phone bill with unauthorized texts
The only known cure is blocking the progression of Repeal And Replace, which seems unlikely. Ignoring the irony of the fact that you may have essentially been repealed and replaced yourself can slow complications. Life expectancy varies among those with IDWID, but in the end it all goes back to the name of this cruel fate: I’ll Die Without Insurance. Talk to your doctor if any of this feels at all relevant…Oh, right, you don’t have insurance so you can’t.
Access to WiFi, especially while on your cell phone, and reading this or other pages is in no way a cure.
Taylor Sade is a writer whose work you may have seen on Above Average, College Humor, Distractify, Splitsider, here (of course) and if you have no free time, many other places as well. Follow him on Twitter: @taylorsade