Welcome Back Students! Here’s Your Fall (of Humanity) Schedule!

Sharpen those pencils kids—’cause life is pain! This fall term might actually be The Fall of Humanity and we’ve adjusted the curriculum to meet students’ unique needs in today’s ever-despondent world.

 

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Home Room

 

Students will begin each day by sitting in a Safe Space Scream Circle. Punching bags are available for students who require a physical outlet of their brewing rage upon facing the harsh realization that existence past year 2050 is unlikely.

 

For students under the “care” of grown-ass adults who rant that science is a “conspiracy for sheeple,” we will also provide emancipation counseling.

 

Extra credit opportunities are available on a consensual hug basis.

 

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Environmental Sciences

 

Do you want to live? Well, we can only get you so far. This expansive course will present students with the knowledge necessary for surviving the next few decades, which is probably all the time humanity has left. Topics covered:

 

• Global Climate Change, Humanity’s Imminent End, and You!
• The Earth Is Round (JFC I can’t believe we’re still arguing about this)
• Urban Farming For Those Who Wish To Eat
• Intro to At-Home Burials

 

Extra credit opportunities for students who maintain the school beehive.

Extra credit opportunities for students who throw bees at anyone who attempts to negate science.

 

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Sex and Gender Education

 

Everything under the sun will be covered before said sun burns us all into an early grave. Of course, let’s not forget that COVID-19 kills too. Honestly, there were already so many ways in which humans could die, but let’s get back to the class schedule!

 

Core competencies: Sex vs. Gender definitions, Go Ahead and “Do It” Already Because Time Is Ticking, Women Deserve Orgasms Too, That Is The Vulva and Not The Vagina, Practicing and Respecting Pronouns, Consent Cosplay, Here Are Some Condoms ‘Cause Maybe Don’t Inflict This World Upon Anyone Else, and more.

 

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Physical Education (select one)

 

Zombie Apocalypse: Students will be randomly assigned into two roles, either Human or Zombie. The Human team will be equipped with foam syringes and are to “inoculate” as many Zombies as possible, while the Zombie team will be provided Silly String and are to “cough” on the Humans in an attempt to infect the Humans with COVID-19. Last team standing wins!

 

OR

 

Capture The Toilet Paper: Students will engage in a revised version of capture the flag using their own personal allotment of toilet paper. The district expects another paper goods shortage, so we consider this an opportune time to bestow a lesson onto students—keep your t.p. close and invest in a bidet already.

 

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Elective (select one)

 

Media Studies: First of all, the school district apologizes for having forced students to read crap written by dead old white dudes. Using what little time we have left on earth, students will analyze the following classic films: Waterworld, Repo Man, I Am Legend, C.H.U.D., and more.

 

Extra credit opportunities for dead old white dude parodies.

 

OR

 

“Math”: Students, you’re due another apology here. We’re sorry for the “you’ll always need math!” gaslighting. It was wrong of us. Students in fact do not require math skills beyond PEMDAS because yeah, you actually do walk around with a calculator 24/7 and also, we’ve got about 29 years left before we cease to exist, so geometry can EFF right off. Starting this fall, students will present scenarios where they felt lied to and the class will engage in a fact-finding exercise called That Don’t Add Up.

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Modern Civics (DISCONTINUED)

 

What’s the point?

 

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SAT Prep (DISCONTINUED)

 

Don’t waste your likely-to-be-short lives.