When You Forget That Person’s Name 

You’re at a party and you spot That Person. That Person that you’ve definitely met a handful of times before because they’re usually at these things when you are. They even came to your thing that one time, which was honestly so fucking cool and sweet of them, yet here is your rude little donkey ass unable to pull their dumb name out of your dumb brain overstuffed with random facts from your deep sea TikTok algorithm and that Salesforce training your closeted boss made you take years ago. What is That Person’s name?!?! You would S a goblin’s D to know. They’re coming closer. They beam at you with excitement and bellow, “Hey, [Your name]!”

Don’t panic. Don’t S a goblin’s D. Instead, use any of the following options to get That Person to reveal their name naturally during the conversation:

– Ask them how they spell their name.

– Ask them where their name comes from.

Note: if you are white and they are non-white, this may be entering ‘what kind of name is that?’ territory. Go at your own risk.

– Phone a friend and invite them to the party. When they arrive, the two of you enter a convo with That Person, during which you can cutely say, “Wait, sorry, have ya’ll two met yet??” Those schmucks will intro right in front of you. Bump, set, spike.

– Make plans to see the new Marvel movie together (there’s one playing in theaters at all times per constitutional law) for which you’ll need their phone number to coordinate. Create a new contact card in your phone and HAND IT TO THEM TO INPUT THEIR INFORMATION. Do NOT let them do that garbagio where they just type in their phone number and call themselves. Where does that leave you? With 10 deeply unhelpful digits and no one to see the new Marvel movie with, you loser.

– Take them to a mirror to show them the new self-love affirmations you learned on the Calm app. You go: “I am [Your name] and I am enough.” Now their turn! What a sucker! (For revealing their name, not for doing the affirmations. That shit works.)

– Procure cocaine and snort some with That Person which will result in you two birthing a genius business idea. Create a joint business bank account for which you’ll both have to enter your personal info. This one seems obvious.

– Start blubbering loudly and sloppily in the corner until they notice. They’ll come over to console you, asking, “What’s wrong?” because That Person is seriously so genuine and kind and you’re a piece of shit for not bothering to remember their name. You’ll answer, “I got a new driver’s license today and my photo SUCKS! It’s SO fugly!!!!!” You show them the license. You actually have a shockingly flattering ID picture, and you know this already. That Person, being the gem they are, will be all, “You think that’s bad?! Look at this!” and this mfer will show you identification like you’re the bouncer at 1 Oak. Easy.

– Offer that person a shot, then another one, then switch to a different type of alcohol and take a couple more until the part of your brain that helps you make fun choices activates. Give in to the universe’s plan reserved for people who are this specific level of drunk and you will find yourselves at a tattoo parlor where you will each get the other’s name carved into your forearm. For obvious reasons, refrain from getting a tramp stamp, as this will cause you to have to turn around like a dog chasing its tail every time you have to come up with That Person’s name, defeating the purpose of this simple method.

– Climb onto the kitchen counter and shout above the sea of people, “NEW PARTY GAME! Everyone must go by their name spelled backwards! Fun, right?!? OK – introduce yourselves!!!” Find That Person and solve the puzzle. Nyar? Ryan. Ativak? Kavita. Demmahom? Mohammed. Bob? Bob. Ysae? E-A-S-Y!

– Text your most recent ex something crazy, it hardly matters what (though you probably have something you’ve been sitting on). Run over to That Person, brimming with panic and remorse, shoving your phone into their hands. Go on and on about how you wish you could take back what you texted, and then have the aha moment right before their eyes: “How about I just say that you dared me to text an ex during a game of truth or dare at this party? Here, take my phone, can you type out the text to them? I can’t bear to do it myself!” This freaking guppy will literally type “Hey, sorry, [That Person’s name] dared me to text you” and then you’ve got two things going for you: 1, you have That Person’s name explicitly written on your phone screen to reference forever, and 2, you may have just scored yourself one last rendezvous at your ex’s apartment after this party. Signed, sealed, delivered.

– Find a staircase. Hurl yourself off the top step and tumble comically to the bottom. Don’t be too drunk for this because you want to make sure your muscles tense during the fall to increase the possibility of breaking or spraining something. Once an ankle or similar body part is adequately fucked up, call an ambulance immediately (your instinct will be to text the pickleball group chat first to let them know you won’t be there on Friday, but please stay focused) and wait for the paramedics to arrive. Once they do, that’s when you’ll look up from the floor at That Person, conveniently standing nearby, and ask them with doe eyes, “Will you be my emergency contact?” They’ll fill out all that juicy info and you’ll steal a glance at the sheet while you’re in the back of the ambulance. Like taking candy from a baby.

If all of these options fail, you have one last resort:

– Act like a normal person and engage in a normal conversation with That Person. Compliment their shirt if you like it, do that one bit you guys usually do, share a laugh. Your laughter fades into a smile as you say with the kind of inner peace that only comes with swallowing your pride, “I’m embarrassed to ask this, but could you remind me of your name again?”

OK wait now that I’m reading that back it sounds insane do not do that just die not knowing it’s fine who cares.