Whore-O-Scope

[Prostitutional Premonitions]

Aries (March 21- April 19)

You will meet a tall, dark stranger this month; in fact, you will meet many, as you are a prostitute.

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Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today, moon is in Scorpio. In other words, “Moon” is an erect penis, and “Scorpio” is your butthole.

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Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today’s lucky number for Scorpio is seven; coincidentally, the same number of times that Antonio will stab you in the chest and neck for trying to hide cash from him again.

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Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The stars look good for a new promotion today, as your madame will be set on fire by an irate customer.

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Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today is a good day to try something new; prepare by running a cheese grater over your inner thighs while gargling ham-water.

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Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your aura is a bit off today, most likely related to being quite insane and near death due to syphilis.

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Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Turn a negative to a positive today; teeth continuing to fall out due to meth use? Now you can charge more for blowjobs!

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Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A vibrant and hopeful energy is coming into your heart today. The less said about what’s coming onto your other organs, the better.

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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The stars say that you will win a significant amount of money in today’s lottery! Unfortunately you’ll spend it all on heroin and die choking on your own vomit (amongst other things).

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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A person from your past will return to you today. Several persons, in fact, as the abortion-toilet in your dealer’s house will back up again.

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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Aries naturally rules the house cusp. You rule the whorehouse, though, so cut that bitch if she gets mouthy with you again.

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Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your sign is a water sign, which perhaps explains why you’ve had so many requests for enemas this week.

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