Why I Should Be Employee of the Month at Rental Mania Video

Dear Boss,

 

I have been working at Rental Mania Video for 30 years. For much of this time, as you know, I’ve harbored the ambition to be Employee of the Month.

True, I must first convince you to start naming an Employee of the Month. You’ve never wanted to. But the video-rental business has slowed down. We’re the last video store in town, and it’s just the two of us working here now. I’ve always been good at the job—rewinding tapes, restocking the shelves, and writing thoughtful blurbs for my staff picks. Today is the perfect day to recognize that. Maybe you could make me a bronze plaque in the shape of a VHS tape. But the shape of the plaque isn’t important (still, picture it: bronze VHS tape).

There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?

I got hungry, so I took a king-size box of Goobers from by the register. I always note the snacks I take so that their price can be deducted from my pay. It’s yet another reason I’m Employee of the Month material. I wish you could see that. The Goobers were a little stale, but filling. I washed them down with some Sierra Mist from the fridge. It was flat and about room temperature, but it quenched my thirst. Even when our snacks are subpar, you won’t catch me complaining.

Then I had to go to the bathroom. Without you here, no one would be manning the floor if a customer were to show up. I wrote a sign saying I’d be back in five minutes. The whole time I was on the toilet, I couldn’t help obsessing—why can’t you, my boss, the person who knows my work best, grasp my value? Why can’t I make you understand? You must be crazy.

I left the bathroom and saw that a man in a business suit had entered the store. He seemed like a real “whale”—that briefcase could hold a lot of tapes. I asked what kind of movie this man hoped to rent. He said he wasn’t a customer; he was here to consider purchasing the property. But, he said, after seeing it in such severe disrepair, he wasn’t interested. I suggested that as long as he was here he might like to rent Singles. He said that, no, he’d already seen that movie, and only really liked the soundtrack. I started to respond that maybe my thoughtful staff-pick blurb could change his mind, but by then he was already opening the door to leave.

The man left, and I realized that the reason you weren’t here was because you’re dead. This is embarrassing to admit, but you have been dead for many years. What a day! On the bright side, I figured that I had the authority to name myself Employee of the Month. I whispered it to myself: I was Employee of the Month. I think you would have been proud of me.

I decided to celebrate by watching Psycho. I opened the clamshell case and pushed the tape into the VHS player… and it got stuck in there. No one had paid the electric bill. I chuckled—even on the day I was named Employee of the Month, something had to go wrong.

Sincerely,

Employee of the Month

Rental Mania Video