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My Favorite Genre Is True Crime, Which I Consume With the Utmost Reverence

I’m also dismayed by how often producers use their platform to glamorize perpetrators. Just the other day, a new series about a serial killer went on gushing about the subject’s charm, good looks, and success in his chosen field of murder. To counteract this, I try to humanize the victims of these senseless yet nonetheless very fascinating crimes. I’ll ask myself questions like, did they have any hopes and dreams of their own? Say, to become a teacher, or a veterinarian, or perhaps someone that did not get murdered?

Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in the 80s

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started!

The Most Dangerous Game Night: Ways To Spice Up Boring Old Board Games

Connect Four: Connect four game discs coated with honey, then several dozen bees sporadically allowed into gaming room. Chutes & Ladders: Game played on actual ladders. Twister: Game mat placed on a small platform suspended over a tank of great white sharks. And more!

CARTOON: Killer Joke

Working from home is different for everyone! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

CARTOON: Running Late

Villains. They never listen. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield.

“I Couldn’t Help Killing Mufasa, I’m a Gemini” by Scar

Let’s face it, Geminis are known for being totally two-faced, which to that I will admit: guilty as charged! I even have a visible scar on one side of my face, so it’s almost as if the stars themselves wanted everyone to know that I’m the best sign of the zodiac—I said what I said! Like the classic Gemini I am, you could say I run a little hot and cold.

CARTOON: Refreshing

Freshly squeezed with pulp. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

Truly Terrible Signs That Your BFF Chelsea Is A Hobgoblin

Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She's been looking at David's Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!

Santa's Secrets

Accidentally stepped on your cat a few years ago, but brought it back using Christmas Magic; that's why its been acting like the cat from Pet Semetary recently.

Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner

You will have to wear a mask. Diseased meats taste worse. And we don’t want the pigs to taste badly.

NEWS BRIEFS: Cat Caper

Weekly Humorist New Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: Caffeine Cannibal

Tasty Tastelessness. Today's cartoon by Dalton Vaughn.

I’m That Little Ghost Girl from "The Ring", and the Death of VHS Has Destroyed My Small Business

Still, as DVDs, VOD, and eventually streaming crushed VHS into a rectangle relic of the past, the final nail in my coffin came with the ubiquity of the smartphone.

CARTOON: Whodunit?

Need a clue? Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?

Why have the police set up a command center on top of my Spiderman air hockey table?  No, I did not know a gravelly voice identifying himself only as The Sandman was calling every thirteen minutes. And I had no idea he was threatening my life if you didn’t acquiesce to his demand for a sculpture in his likeness made of gypsum sand and the blood of virgin stallions. Marianne, it was probably just some kid yanking your crank.      

The Overlook Hotel’s Safety Measures for Reopening Now That We Know the Hotel Is a Sentient Being That’s out for Blood.

While it appears the hotel is a sentient being that has taken control of every caretaker we’ve ever had, turning them into psychopaths who have killed or attempted to kill their entire family, we want you to know we’re doing everything we can to keep it from doing that to any of our guests. However, since spiritual forces are notoriously difficult to contain, we’re legally obligated to alert you to the voluntary risks you’re taking by staying with us. 

Woman's Yelp Profile: Sushi, Refrigerators, and Murder

Took out a policy on my husband. Quick and easy. They never needed to even meet him; they let me gather the signatures on my own. Didn’t ask why the accidental death premium was so high. Their discretion was greatly appreciated.

Who Really Solves a Majority of Murders?

Mystery novelists (both big city and small town), Single women who recently inherited a business from a dead Aunt (most likely a bakery),  Sassy New Jersey bounty hunters, and more!

4 Uses for Your Amazing She Shed That Totally Aren’t Murder

THE POTTING SHE SHED The smell of fresh earth is intoxicating. Not as good as huffing craft glue, but not bad. The earth gives life, and takes death when your enemies shuffle off this mortal coil. With no help from you, of course. Pour all your troubles into a decorative clay pot you adorned with cute birdies, and watch the world melt away. All your troubles. Dirt hides a myriad of sins. Buries them, you might say. The last place they’d think to look is underneath your thriving Pom Pon dahlia bed. Look for what? Ha ha! Nothing but potting soil and a giant set of pruning shears hides in your trusty, padlocked she shed.

#HorrorHolidayMovies

Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

Please Accept my Application to Join Your Post-Apocalypse Survival Crew

One last thing, and I think you’ll appreciate the crux of my proposal here: yoga. I’ve been practicing yoga for nearly three years now, and while technically not a certified instructor-- what? No, not certified, but does it matter? Surely your medic isn’t an actual doctor, right?

I’m Really Good at Escape Rooms; Step Aside While I Solve This Murder

Listen, Mrs. Nelson, I’m sorry for your loss, but the crying is distracting to my process. I’ll tell you what I told my buddy Alvin when he had a full-on panic attack during the Airplane Hostage Escape Room last June in Philly: Use. The. Pain.  

Tips for Closing Up Your Summer Home 

Did the neighbors see anything? Do they know? What is seen can never be unseen, but dead mouths tell no tales. Act accordingly.

Under The Hudson Yards

In fact, one of the most ingenious features of this new facility is its ability to filter out the tougher and less tractable of the species – certainly, they may be allowed to enter and take a selfie in the Staircase of Confusion, but they will never be permitted to rest their heads anywhere near those of our prize sheep.

Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off

Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn't find a true crime story riveting enough...

Seven Hacks to Make Doing Laundry More Rewarding

You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.

CARTOON: Cleaners

Nasty stains. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

Other Main Characters That Should Be Killed Off

Now that we know from 'The Conner's'- killing off a main character can help ratings. It's open season.

6 Features Of The 2019 Toyota Highlander That’ll Have You Rethinking Your Stance On Murder Because Hiding The Bodies Would Be So Goddamn Convenient

Never let a subpar towing capacity restrict your zeal for blood sport ever again! Depending on the size of the package you select, the 2019 Toyota Highlander can pull upwards of 5,000 pounds!

The People On This Subway Car Ranked By Deliciousness Should It Come To That

Situations like this can force one’s hand. Now, more often than not situations like these don’t involve eating another person, but if it did, and I’m not saying it would, this is who I’d suggest we start with.

A Viewer’s Guide To World Cup Injuries

Injuries are a part of every sport. A hockey player might lose…

Comedian Kills Half His Elderly Audience With Great Joke

RIVERDALE, New York – All comedians like to be told they “killed”…

Mr. Assad, We Find This One Specific Type Of Murder Unacceptable

Dear Mr. Assad, We, the collected powers of France, the…

Yes, We Used Production Assistant Meat as a Mystery Basket Ingredient on "Chopped"

Hello Chopped fans, concerned citizens, and law enforcement officers. …

List Of Illegal Moves In Chess

Castling after having earlier moved your king. Moving…

Death Row Cuisine: Make Your Last Meal Count!

That big day is finally here. The last appeals have been filed,…

Celebrate Your Personal Birthday Purge At Applebees!

This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would…

Give Peas a Chance

ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…

FOTO BOMB: Evil Step Brothers

One is a nut-ball leader of North Korea, the other just wanted…

FOTO BOMB: Amazon Echo Columbo Edition

After recent news concerning An Amazon Echo may be the key to…

For All The Nevers In Life: If The State Farm Ad was Self-Aware

[We open on a wild, alcohol-fueled pool party with…