Woman’s Yelp Profile: Sushi, Refrigerators, and Murder
Joanna J.’s Profile
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Review History
Sake 2 Me Sushi
Lovely place. Lovely staff. Delicious food. Their sashimi gave me a dozen simultaneous orgasms. Unfortunately, I was unable to give them a five-star review.
Their menu had everything a sushi lover like me could want, but unfortunately, my husband is a picky eater and there was nothing for him here. There aren’t a lot of places we can go eat out that don’t serve chicken fingers. It’s tough. But we manage.
Other than that, this place was perfect. And if they consider adding chicken fingers, or at least a Teriyaki Chicken Rice bowl to the menu, I’ll change my review to five-stars.
Handyman Extraordinaire
Johnny the handyman was the best. My husband likes to “fix” things around the house. He says it’s my job to clean and his job to fix. Unfortunately, he tends to further damage all items to a point of no return.
So when my refrigerator broke, I called Handyman Extraordinaire. Not only did they fix the refrigerator in under an hour, but they also repaired the toaster, and the shelves my husband had previously installed, but that had fallen down, breaking all my perfume bottles.
He did get in a fight with my husband though. My husband came home and got really mad at both of us for betraying him and “implying he was not a real man”. He called me a b**** so then Johhny hit him. Very unprofessional
Church of Christ
Don’t have too much to say. Only went to one service. It was lovely, but we were asked to never return after my husband made a pass at the pastor’s wife. I mean, aren’t they supposed to help him instead of kicking us out? 1 Star.
Life Insurance
Took out a policy on my husband. Quick and easy. They never needed to even meet him; they let me gather the signatures on my own. Didn’t ask why the accidental death premium was so high. Their discretion was greatly appreciated. But ya know insurance salesman. They tried to upsell me, but “alien invasion” insurance they were offering only protected against invaders from very specific galaxies. Felt like a scam so I took off a star.
Marsh’s Untraceable Hitman
I, of course, didn’t use the service personally. I would have no reason to hire such people.
But I do want to say that this company is all about professionalism. Easy to find (it’s the white building at Marsh and 1st st.). Tons of parking. My “friend” got a quote within 24 Hrs. They were super thorough. And my “friend’s” “brother” was dead within a week.
Typical payment structure: 1/2 up front and 1/2 in a paper bag left in a park trash can after completion. All cash. Money-back guarantee if anything leads back to me. Very classy.
Funeral Parlor
Had a funeral for my husband who was unexpectedly murdered. Absolutely tragic. Don’t think I’ll ever recover. I’m super sad.
But this was supposed to be a party about me and my new life, and they kept asking questions about my dead husband. No, I don’t want to spend extra on a coffin. Just burn him and I’ll spread the ashes at a Buffalo Wild Wings.
It doesn’t matter what foods he liked. I wanted sushi! Only sushi! But I’ll be damned if they didn’t have a platter of chicken fingers at the party.
Everyone was so somber at first, but things loosened up once we started doing shots.
Flowers were nice, MC was energetic, and the live band slapped. What the hell, giving them an extra star because I’m in such a good mood.
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I recently quit my job as an engineer to enter the equally profitable field of freelance comedy writing. Buildings can burn down, but you can’t just burn a book. Chandler Bing was my most reliable adult presence growing up. The goal of my writing is to make people laugh, but also, to create a cult following that will lift me to the position of deity that I so crave. Someone give me a job.
