Worst Vacation Roadside Attractions

Tovar’s Wide World Of Raisins:  
What seems initially to be a rather innocuous tour exploring the history of raisins in the country is instead awkward and unnecessarily sexual.    For example, do you know how many raisins will fit into your bottom?   Well, you will by the end of this tour.    And did you know that raisins are the favored aphrodisiac of the senior citizen community, including your Nana?   And that they have photos of your Nana engaged in coitus to prove that fact?   Why would they have those?    Best to avoid.

Another Fine Meth, Inc. Tours:   Be warned, this isn’t an actual roadside attraction, per se, but rather a functioning meth lab.    An industrious meth-head in need of money for more meth has found a way to sneak tourists into the large concrete structure that houses the lab, and is usually able to sneak in several sets of groups before being found out.    Being “found out” usually involves gunplay, however, so again, be warned.    Unlike tours at liquor and wine distilleries, no free samples or tastings are given.

Big Tony’s Wacks Museum:   A poorly lit room (thank Jesus) crowded with actual corpses, each with Big Tony’s signature cork-screw sticking out from the back of their necks.    Big Tony has lots of friends and connections in town, but regardless, as the sign on the way in says, “Don’t say nuthin’.”   Unless you’d like to become the latest exhibit, good words to live by.    And the free calzone nuggets provided by his mother are spectacular.

Sandra Knuckles and the Vapeworm:     Did you know that, similar to the snake-charmer with the cobra in the basket, most tapeworms will wander out the throat of a host who is vaping (particularly if it’s chocolate chip cookie dough flavor)?    Come meet the originator of this amazing discovery, and delight to one of her several daily performances, all given in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly where she’s employed at a cashier assistant specialist.

Drink Hawaiian Punch From A Kangaroo’s Pouch:   You have questions, and we understand that you would.    Is that a real kangaroo, or someone wearing a kangaroo costume?    And if it’s a real kangaroo, is it an actual living kangaroo, or is it stuffed?    We wish we could help.   We’ve been several times so far, and we’re still not sure.   What we can tell you is that the Hawaiian Punch is changed out regularly, and is typically cool and refreshing.    You’re allowed to use a straw, but no outside straws are allowed (straws can be purchased on-site for a reasonable fee), or you can simply cup the drink into your mouth.   No glass containers, please.  We don’t believe that there are any religious or communion-like aspects to any of this, but again, we just can’t be absolutely certain.