Yoga-Adjacent Poses to Guide You Through the Second Trump Administration

Many of you have expressed extreme anxiety over the inauguration of Donald Trump to a second term as President. Although traditional yoga can be therapeutic, we’ve designed a unique set of yoga-adjacent poses to meet the Trump 47 moment.

FAQ

Your program is rated zero to one on the difficulty scale. Are you still going to advise us to consult with our doctor first so that you won’t be liable for any injuries?

It’s like you can read minds!

When can I expect to see results from your program?

Results appear in as little as two weeks for those of you with scintillating personalities.

Do I require any special equipment or activewear to perform your yoga-adjacent poses?

That actually counts as two questions.

What if I am hopelessly uncoordinated?

No one is left behind! Just for you we have composed a lovely set of affirmations in a spoken-word CD called, “Sad Truths for Easy Weeping.” Lie awake to such inspiring reflections as, “I wouldn’t put it past them to abolish the FDIC,” and, “What if he never leaves??”

Let’s begin. Namaste (ish).

Chihuasana (Trembling Chihuahua Pose)

Sit on the edge of a wooden chair. Open your eyes very wide. Stiffen all your muscles until they begin to tremble. Nervously survey the room around you. Make pathetic little noises in your throat. Visualize someone scooping you up in their arms and exclaiming how adorable you are.

Praysana (Supplication Pose)

Sit or stand in front of a window. With palms pressed together and head raised to the sky, pray beseechingly. Don’t hold back, but maintain good grammar. Complete Praysana by speaking “Amen” (the celestial Save button).

For those of you who have come to believe you exist in a Godless universe, proceed instead to:

Naysana (Inherent Meaninglessness Pose)

Make a fist with one hand and shake fist vigorously at the sky. Rail in improvised fashion. (There are no rules in a Godless universe!)

Do not complete Naysana with “Amen” unless doing so in tones of bitter irony.

Circumsana (Hedgehog Pose, Fetal Valium Pose)

While lying on your side, make a circle of your body, such that if someone were to gaze down at your pose, you would look like a circle. Or, simply grab your knees and tuck yourself into a fetal position. Drift off to sleep for 18 hours.

Optional: Drool into half-eaten carton of melted Rocky Road.

Stenchsana (Sotomayor Quotables Pose)

Sit comfortably on a couch or easy chair. Gently pinch nostrils together between the thumb and forefinger of one hand, while waving your free hand back and forth. Softly repeat the vowel sound “Ewww.” Release nostrils after one minute. Sniff. Wrinkle nose as if odor has not cleared and never will.

Thumbsana (Sucking Thumb Pose, Infantile Regression Pose)

Place thumb of choice in mouth between tongue and upper palate. Gently close lips onto thumb and engage sucking action for three minutes or, if it feels good, much longer. Silently repeat the following affirmation: “Thumb sucking will not shift my adult teeth.”

Optional: Cradle teddy bear in nook of free arm.

Advanced Surrender Poses

Kissassana (Pucker Pose, Unimaginative Porn Pose)

Place hands and knees on the floor in an all-fours posture. Raise head slightly while pursing lips together. Kiss the air while visualizing a large male ass in a bad suit. Feel obliged to repeat indefinitely. (Pro tip: If the tears come, let them flow!)

Submissana (Dog Belly Pose, Billionaire Pose)

Begin by lying on your side. Quickly roll onto your back, gently waving your hands and feet in the air. Smile with your mouth slightly open, allowing your tongue to loll out and to one side.

Optional: Have a friend tickle your exposed belly. Giggle helplessly like the submissive bitch you are.