Your List Of Junior College Back To School Supplies

*** Please buy at least three of each, as most of your stuff will more than likely be stolen on a regular basis ***

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Reading material.

Some sort of magazine or book to read while eating / hanging out in the student union / waiting in the hall for class to open, so that you don’t accidentally make eye contact with anyone. Do not look at your iPhone! It will get stolen, and you will probably get severely beaten.

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Box of pencils.

Be sure to sharpen before bringing them to class, as they make great stabbing weapons in case you get attacked, which you will. In the unlikely event that you’re able to take notes in class, use the pencils as well. Please don’t bring a lap-top to class. What are you, stupid? (Sorry, sorry, right, right, you’re in junior college. What was I thinking?)

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Some sort of large, aggressive animal to provide protection.

A large, menacing dog, or a falcon is best. Also, when they’re eventually killed by roving gangs of hooligans, you can use the corpse for extra credit in Biology class, or burn for warmth in the student union.

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Abacus

Not only because a more traditional, modern calculator will get you beaten / killed, but because you can dismantle quickly and use the wooden balls to trip up the gangs of murderous thugs that will no doubt be chasing you through the halls on a regular basis.

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Classic Ruled Softcover Notebooks.

Paper can be torn out and used as notes to pass in class in the event of trouble / danger, as you’ve of course had your iPhone stolen by now, and texting is no longer an option. Also does a surprisingly good job at staunching blood flow from even serious wounds.

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