College Admits 10 Month Old Infant Genius
FRANKFORT, Kentucky — Most 10 month old babies are still pre-occupied with cutting new teeth, and trying to take a few steps, but little Wiley Marshall has more important things to do, like preparing for an organic chemistry exam, and completing a paper on Global Warming for his Earth Science class.
Wiley is by far the youngest student ever admitted to Kentucky State University, and so far he seems to be holding his own.
Born with the ability to speak fluently, in grammatically perfect adult-type English, he reportedly greeted both his Mom and Dad in the delivery room to the utter shock of all those in attendance.
The doctor slapped him on his fanny, and he reportedly yelled out, “Hey Doc, not so hard. I’m just a baby.”
Then he went on to thank his Mom and Dad for giving birth to him.
Dr. Ronald Winters, the attending Ob.-Gyn. Specialist, who delivered Wiley at Maimonides Children’s Hospital, was quoted as saying, “ I thought the child’s father was an amateur ventriloquist or something, and was throwing his voice to have some fun with me, until I saw the baby ‘s lips moving. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. ”
By two months old, Wiley was already reading the local newspaper, although he needed a little help in holding it.
At 4 months old, he composed an op-ed piece his mother helped him write, that got printed in the paper, on the inequities that infants face in our society.
“People treat us like babies”, he said angrily.
At six months of age, he was walking pretty well, and was able to write clearly on his own. He took the admissions exam for Kentucky State University the same month, and passed.
According to Wiley, the personal interview was the most difficult. “I couldn’t see well from the seat where they put me”, he explained, “ so I had to ask to be put right up on the conference table.”
Needless to say, he was accepted.
The normal size for a 10 month old infant, Wiley sits in class in a specially designed seat that straps him into place, and his teacher’s swear they don’t mind having to stop the class every so often to change him, or give him his bottle.
Ursula Baysche, head of the math department says, “Obviously Wiley is a gifted student, and the opportunity to work with someone so special is worth the small inconveniences of having to clean up after him when he “cheeses”, or suddenly begins crying for no reason. It doesn’t happen often. ”
Socially, he’s kind of a loner, and seems to prefer staying by himself in his room after class rather than hanging out with his classmates.
One of them, a young woman who prefers to remain anonymous says, “ We invite him to come out with us, to try and make him feel more comfortable, and one of the crowd, but he always turns us down.”
Obviously Wiley looks too young to get into the bars where all the kids on campus hang out.
She adds, “Even with proof, the bouncers would still hassle him.”
The Marshall’s have two other children 6, and 8 who often ask their baby brother to help them with their homework.
Wiley’s mom Emma seems to be taking all this all in stride. “People always say it’s so frustrating having an infant, ‘cause you never know what they want”, she said.
“With Wiley, there’s no doubt what he wants. He never shuts up. He definitely takes after his father.”
Jeffrey’s a comic and comedy writer who’s written for comedy legends such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, George Wallace, Phil Hartman, Richard Belzer, and Andrew “Dice” Clay, among many others. Jeffrey has performed stand-up at most of the big clubs in NY and L.A. and is known for being a regular on-air personality on Sirius XM’s Bennington Show. He writes a weekly column covering the comedy scene for The Interrobang called “Jumping Around with Jeffrey Gurian”, and has also written for MTV, National Lampoon, and many Friars Roasts. His Comedy Matters TV channel boasts over 450 video interviews with A-listers like Jimmy Fallon, Jim Carrey, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and even women NOT named Amy. His crowning achievement was getting his own column in the legendary Weekly World News called “ Gurian’s World of the Bizarre” which led to the creation of GNN (Gurian News Network) bringing you the most unusual stories in The Universe, missed by mainstream media.