Questions About Having a Conversation (That I’m Only Asking Out of Curiosity)

What is a conversation?

How will I know when it’s happening? Is it just a feeling I get inside, and is that feeling sheer terror?

Should I time my blinks with their blinks?

If we’re talking on a terrace, do I use my inside or outside voice?

What about a screened in porch, but two screens have a hole in them?

Why didn’t anyone warn me my voice sounds like this?

If I’m talking and eating, how often should I pause to take a bite? Do I accelerate for cold foods, and decelerate for hot foods? How does this work in the case of fried ice cream?

How do I make it their turn to talk again? Do I tug at my earlobe or give them a nose bop? Both?

How can I be sure I don’t have anything in my teeth? My trust has been broken ever since the Swiss chard incident of 2008.

What should I do if I asked a question and then forgot to listen to the answer?

What should my new name be now that I have to leave the country?

If I flee to Finland, the happiest country on Earth, will I have to smile during conversations? Or is their happiness more of a feeling of general contentedness?

Does it even matter where I go if I’m still plagued by the same questions?

Does anything matter except for how others perceive me in social interactions?

If I get the hiccups, do I acknowledge it? Should I pretend like it’s coming from someone else and act startled each time I hear them?

Is there some sort of easily portable shield I can hold up when someone asks my opinion on something and I have no idea what they’re talking about? Why not?

How often should I take a sip of my drink to avoid answering?

How long can I fake sip on an empty glass until someone notices?

How long can I fake sip out of a fake glass until I notice?

Is the “h” in “hmm” silent?

They just said they’ll see me “later.” Which location am I supposed to go to and when?

Do I stop conversations like letters? Sincerely, Me

When will I stop replaying this conversation in my head? It’s been twenty-seven years.