Suggested Olympic Tweaks

The 2024 Olympics are bringing in lots of money and crowds, but there will be a whopping 329 medal events which can be quite overwhelming. While we would love to recommend events to axe, the problem is that the Olympic committee doesn’t subtract events.

Therefore, there’s only one solution: Ramp up the boring ones. And remember, the 2024 Olympics take place in France, the inventors of the word “Ennui”. No one gets bored more easily than the French. As a result, we have our work cut out for us.

Suggested Tweaks to the Olympics

Marathon Swim-Yes, it’s admirable to swim 10km out in the open ocean, but there’s no need to put the entirety of the 10 km on TV. With the exception of the last 500 meters, every point in the race looks like every other point in the race. If anything, the picturesque sight of these swimmers traversing the open ocean is better suited as a photographic screensaver than video form.

Solution: Have the swimmers pose for a photo shoot and put them on a water taxi bound towards the end of Tokyo harbor and have them duke it out at the end. No one will know the difference.

---

Surfing-The idea of making the Olympics more groovy through the addition of surfing culture is pretty solid. The problem is how do you control Mother Nature? Does everyone get the same size waves? It also looks indiscernible to the layman what the difference between winning and losing looks like. Everyone rides the waves for about 10 seconds and then falls.

The Solution: This one’s a simple fix: The Flow Rider. You see it on most cruises and water parks.

---

Shotput-This event seems like beta testing for all the cooler things that could be thrown: a spear (AKA the javelin), a giant yoyo (AKA the hammer throw), and a Frisbee (AKA the discus). In this event, it looks like the thrower is deriving his throwing power from getting a hickey from a bowling ball. Yuck!

Solutions:  If we absolutely need a 4th throwing event, you can’t go wrong with axes considering people actually pay money axe throwing.  Easy sponsorship money.

---

Fencing-It’s an exciting sport but shouldn’t style matter? The competitors look like they’re fighting for scraps of garbage on the version of Earth that Wall-E takes place in. The French are the headquarters of Louis Vuitton and Chanel. Such an event would never fly in the fashion capital of the World.

Solution: Instead of dressing up like 22nd century microwave meals, why not have the fences dress as if they are in a swashbuckling film. The fencers might be more susceptible to injuries but that’s acceptable collateral damage: Don’t tell me they won’t love the opportunity to cosplay.

---

Equestrian Dressage: Dressage is like figure skating for horses in which the jumps consist of going a full two or three inches higher than trotting. It looks no different than taking a course on a stroll.  In fact,  “dressage” is the French word for training. Right away, the French will know this isn’t a real thing.

Solution: No event with horses should take place unless it’s like the Kentucky Derby where the horses race each other. But if this is about artistic merit, than why are we going by artistic merit from a hman perspective? We need to be able to read the horses’ minds and score their dressage according to what the horses consider artistic. For all we know, the way the horses are singing opera with their neighs or attempting to make sculptures when they poop.

---

Trampoline-Yes, it’s fun to jump on a trampoline but there’s no way this isn’t gymnastics’ bastard cousin. In gymnastics, you have to prove yourself capable of flipping, holding yourself up with massive upper body strength, and artistic routine. In trampoline, you just jump with childish glee and there’s no need to dismount. It’s almost if the judge is paying as much attention as a teenage lifeguard at the Ramada Inn.

Solution: Bananas could figure into this event in so many ways. First off, this event needs to take place in a banana grove where the trampoliner must add banana-grabbing as part of their component. But what if they also had to eat each banana that they catch before their routine is over. And here’s the kicker: They have to discard the banana peel onto the trampoline and avoid slipping on it. Should we have them also dodge banana cream pies? Let’s save that for Brisbane 2032.

---

Archery-An Olympic match involves shooting 72 arrows. That’s an archer doing something exciting one time, and then repeating it 71 times. Anyone else see the problem?

Solution: So many potential solutions. The most obvious one is shooting an apple off a loved one’s head to break a dead heat, but the Swiss might run away with that. What if we allowed the more defensive-minded members of the basketball competition to participate.  If Rudy Gobert and Anthony Davis are good at blocking shots, think of how good they’d do at blocking arrows with those long wing spans. As long as they stand the appropriate distance away from the Archer (remember this is a non-contact sport), of course.

---

Synchronized Swimming-You would think this is an easy target for a humor article, but this sport is just plain beautiful. The combination of being underwater and group dancing sounds ridiculous but somehow it works. The problem is no one wants to watch it because of how ridiculous it looks.

Solution:  Little-known fact:  Kevin Hart and Snoop Dogg have been bought in as NBC commentators to spice up the broadcasts. That’s not good enough. Every synchronized swimming routine must involve Hart or Snoop. Take your pick.

---

Mixed 4 X 4 Relay-Four sprinters doing one leg around a track already is an event for the men and women. Does it really matter if it’s some combination of both?

Solution: If they’re not going to mix the distances, how about having them run around the track holding the hands of an orangutan? Of course it would disqualify countries that might not have orangutans in their natural environment, but it’s time that orangutan countries had their moment.

---

Race Walking-This is what 70-year-olds do at a retirement community when they’re trying to get to the early bird special. In no way, shape, or form is this remotely a dignified way to earn a gold medal.

Solution:  None. However, it should be noted that the sport became the basis of the delightful 1964 Cary Grant film Walk, Don’t Run. Simply screen that movie in the Olympic Village instead.

---