My Escort Ad 

Hello! I am Lexington. 

If you’re interested in spending time with a quality, high-end gentleman like myself, then you’ve come to the right place. Give me a call and let’s set something up! 

I am drug- and disease-free (minus Lyme disease and the antibiotics I’ve been prescribed to recover from it, BUT DON’T WORRY! It cannot be transmitted from human to human. Trust me—I have a note from my doctor that says as much. I’ve had people tell me that I transmitted Lyme disease to them in the past, but it’s just not true. They must have gotten bitten by one of the deer ticks that like to hang out on my body.) 

I am very discreet and professional. No one will ever know of our encounter—except maybe my neighbor Devin, who comes over to use my toaster on occasion. He’s a real nice guy, and so is his sister who (coincidentally) is also named Devin. No, their parents did not name them both Devin. That would just be a silly thing to do, wouldn’t it? Devin was born, and then their parents adopted Devin a couple of years later. Mother and I like to call them “The Devins.” 

I live in a safe location in an upscale part of town. I’m in the house next to the Bob’s Big Boy. People have a poor misconception of the neighborhood ever since those cowboys shot at me outside of the free clinic, but don’t let that stop you from coming over to visit me for an intimate session full of pleasure and relaxation. That was just an unfortunate incident, and up until that point, it had literally been *years* since I was last shot at. I’m out of the hospital now with a new leg and a fun story to tell all of my friends. 

My sessions are un-rushed and catered to your specific wants and desires. Nothing is off-limits… except for Mother’s room. Don’t go in there unless you have soup or she’s ready for her foot lotion. She likes to watch her shows and gets really cranky when she’s disturbed. I really don’t know what I would do without her. She is my rock, the light of my life—and I am the apple of her eye. 

Other than that, I’m pretty open-minded and up for anything you have in mind… as long as it doesn’t involve any heavy cardio or shellfish. I have a heart condition for the time being due to the fact that I let the Lyme disease go untreated longer than I should have, and it caused what is known as Lyme carditis—which is when the disease bacteria enter the heart and interfere with the normal movement of electrical signals from the heart’s upper chambers to its lower chambers. And it can be fatal. In fact, between 1985 and 2019, eleven cases of fatal Lyme carditis were reported worldwide. Also, I have an allergy to shellfish. 

Please, no games. Only call when you are ready to meet. I’m sick of these no-good pranksters who call me at all hours of the night and play just the meanest jokes. One time, some lousy rascals called me at two-thirty in the morning on a Wednesday to ask if my refrigerator was running—and when I said that it was, they told me I’d better “go and catch it.” Bastards. It took me weeks to understand what they meant by that, and when I did, I sure didn’t appreciate it. 

I’m not good with jokes, you see. I am a serious man, and I expect you to be as well. Give me a call! You won’t regret it!!! 

Services I Provide: 

The Good Ol’ College Try 

Deep Space Nine-ing (DSN) 

Bosnian Watermeloning 

The Neil Diamond Making Sweaters Out Of Ham About Schmidt Role Play (Schmidting) Civil War Reenactments 

Building Wooden Ships Inside Those Glass Bottles (BWSITGB) 

Jell-O Molds 

Fried Chicken Dancing SuperDUPERcalifragilisticexpialidocious 

Livin’ La Vida Loca (LL/VL) 

The Hello Dolly 

The Bye Bye Birdie 

Waitress The Musical 

Counting My Blessings 

Godsmacking

Refinishing Hard Wood Floors Sandwich Artistry