5 Types of Cats to Catcall in Place of Real Life Humans

  1. Your Local Bodega Cat

It’s pretty tempting to shout at that lady buying a late-night snack at that bodega across from your closet sized East Village apartment. “But what if I offer to buy her funyons for her?” you may ask. Trust me, sweetie, she can afford them. Because in retrospect, she owns the top floor apartment of the same building you’re renting from every other month. Try Ski-ball instead, the long-haired feline sitting atop the boxes of stale Snyder’s Pretzel Twists.


They’re not stale. Ski-ball just doesn’t have a litter box.

  1. 3am Feral Cats

Taking a late-night stroll and the unexpected happens? *gasp! * A female lighting a cig, too? An innocent request for a spare wouldn’t be too bad, right? Maybe not. But your fly’s down! Freddy the Feral Cat won’t care about that though, and he definitely can’t tell you to fix it! Free at last! Show him your junk!

  1. Cats on Leashes

What about a day-time harassment? Can’t be considered too aggressive if I live on 71st street in a rent controlled two-bedroom. Wrong again, good friend! Lucy on-dat-Leash is taking a piss in the park andis trained. Go ahead and whistle-call that feline beauty. Give her that classic, “show me your pussy!” and she’ll roll over for you!

Honestly, it’s probably a chihuahua.

  1. Sphynx Cats

Can’t call your ex-wife ugly to her face anymore? Sami the Sphynx doesn’t give two shits about your troubled past that gave you an inner self hatred that projects onto other people. She’s just a cat! But she bites. So, wear your New Balances.

  1. Salem Saberhagen, the Black Cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Jokes on you, Salem will catcall you first.