The Audience Is Just Throwing Tomatoes At The Actors Because They Love The Play So Much
“A desperate Donald Trump insisted that he received a warm reception while attending Game 3 of the NBA Finals at New York’s Madison Square Garden, despite the president being resoundingly booed… ‘“It was certainly amazing. It was, it was, I think, mostly cheers. It was loud, and it was very enthusiastic.’” –The Daily Beast, 6/9/26
I think the audience really enjoyed the play last night. Did you see how packed it was? Standing room only. And there was a huge crowd outside too. I heard the resale value on the tickets was insane. Thousands and thousands of dollars. I may not be the star of this show, but it was surely all thanks to my scene-stealing lines that we had so many tomatoes pelted at us for 2.5 hours. They clean up must have been insane, but I know the theater won’t mind because they know that rotten tomatoes chucked at their actors at speeds of a MLB pitcher means that it was a smash hit.
I am incredibly honored to be part of this production of Romeo & Juliet in the starring and best role of Mercutio.
When I was first offered the role, I wasn’t nervous at all because I know that I am the best there is, no questions asked. After our first day of rehearsal, there was an awkward pause when I finished my really long monologue that comes during that scene where Romeo and Juliet are alone together on the balcony. You know the one. And I bowed and was like, “It’s okay guys you can clap now. You don’t have to be polite about it. I’m a modest guy, I can handle a little praise.” The girl playing Juliet whose name I didn’t bother to ask rolled her eyes a little and whispered something to Romeo. She probably just didn’t want to compliment me in front of everyone and make them feel bad.
After a month of grueling rehearsal, three weeks of which I unfortunately had to miss because I had better things to do and frankly don’t need the same number of hours worth of practice as everyone else, the director pulled me aside and said she was thinking of cutting the role of Mercutio entirely.
“That won’t be necessary,” I assured her. “I can dumb down some of my dialogue so the average community theater audience member can understand what I’m saying.”
“It’s Shakespeare,” the director looked really angry when she said this, probably because she was so upset that none of her other actors were worthy of such prestigious material, let alone could make it better. Then she muttered something like, “I can’t believe I went into debt for a BFA just to put up with this shit.”
I was going to interrupt and tell her that I didn’t even have to get a BFA because I was so talented that every program I applied to rejected me, but I kind of lost interest and dozed off.
When opening night finally rolled around, I was so excited to show the director and cast all the changes I’d made to the script. But everyone seemed really preoccupied, so I just went with it and implemented the changes live on stage. Like improv. Everyone loves spending $40 to see improv.
The audience was thrilled. Moved, floored, jumping out of their seats in sheer adulation. They continued to jeer and stomp and throw rotten vegetables at just me and no one else. They thought I was absolutely brilliant. As Juliet was about to utter her final line and pierce herself with a dagger, I snatched the weapon from her hands and masterfully mimed killing myself instead.
There were so many tomatoes on stage you could have made spaghetti.
I am looking forward to my next production, Twelfth Night, where I will play the titular role of Malvolio.
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Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @bobbien_
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