FIFA Bans Dr. Doom’s Doombots From World Cup Competition, Latveria Vows Retaliation
ZURICH — FIFA ruled Tuesday that Dr. Victor Von Doom’s squad of sentient robotic doppelgängers are ineligible for World Cup play, citing a prohibition on non-biological players. A Latverian spokesperson responded that this was “a transparent conspiracy by the Reed Richards-adjacent global elite.”
FIFA Secretary General Mattias Grafström said in a statement. “FIFA regulations require players to wear approved uniforms. We cannot accommodate chest plates, silver shoulder pauldrons, or riveted metal masks.”
Dr. Doom immediately took to his official DOOMSocial account to respond directly. “Not true! DOOM was willing to dress the Doombots in your primitive football attire. Hugo Boss jumped at the opportunity to design the uniforms.”
He continued, “The proud people of Latveria do not have time for these childish games. They spend their days tending the fields, worshipping DOOM, and, if time permits, macrame. Frankly… same. The only thing DOOM loves more than outwitting Reed Richards is sitting back and weaving some half hitches!”
Doom’s online posting continued through the day. “DOOM has already bestowed Latverian citizenship upon the team of Doombots. Doombots were created in the image of DOOM. Except for Doombot #427. He’s kinda like my Eric Trump.”
FIFA’s Grafström responded to the series of rants with a brief statement. “The regulations exist to ensure competitive equity across all participating nations.”
To which Doom responded online, “Oh sure… Wakandans can play with Vibranium-laced shoes. And don’t try to tell DOOM that the Asgardians didn’t use magic to save that last penalty kick in 2022. FIFA looks the other way on all these, but not for Latveria. VAR bots good, but Doombots bad? Just because DOOM restructured the multiverse and enslaved all of existence a handful of times, DOOM is the bad guy. If the Qataris had the technology to build a Doombot, FIFA would welcome them with open arms.”
“Each Doombot has been programmed by DOOM. Doombots are a team of the perfect specimens, the pinnacle of human achievement. Not only does each have the wisdom of DOOM, but they can jump higher than Ronaldo, kick harder than Ibrahimovic, and flop faster than Neymar.”
Roughly four hours later, at 3:14 am Latverian Standard Time, Dr. Doom then posted “You let Curacao and Cape Verde in??? DOOM DISAPPROVES!” before reposting a clearly AI-generated video of Ben Grimm dancing to Aqua’s Barbie Girl.
In Doom’s final post, he made what some interpreted as a veiled threat to FIFA. “One would hate for the FIFA board of governors to lie down in their comfortable beds tonight only to wake up the next morning in a pocket dimension where FIFA governors become the major food source for The Brood.”
FIFA officials have since announced that Dr. Doom would be receiving the 2027 FIFA Peace Prize.
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Mike Todasco is an MFA student at Johns Hopkins University and has spent many years in tech, where he’s experienced many innovative rebrands. This is his first piece published in Weekly Humorist.
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